J. PETERMAN SPORTSMAN COLLECTION


Being Manny.

Monsters. They frightened us as children. Lurking under the bed; creeping in the closet; narrowly escaping into the shadows just as Mom and Dad arrived to investigate our nightmarish screams.

But one man tames the greenest and most formidable Monster without fear or even concern. His whip: American cowhide. His shield: a smile. And his underwear: a 50/50 cotton/microfiber blend of pure bliss.

The Manny Ramirez Game-Worn Underpants are a marvel of both rugged toughness and youthful exuberance. The fabric is durable, but airy. The reinforced waistband and fully functional fly ensure comfort and convenience. And the stains of perspiration and odor of Skoal Wintergreen exude style and class.

Suddenly bedtime isn’t so scary.

Men’s Size: L
Colors: Black
Price: Your dignity





Walk Out.

Your bags are packed, your house is cleared out and your kids have said their last goodbyes to the neighborhood children.

The only casualties of your successful moving day were one broken plate and the occasional whimpering of your youngest daughter. Make no mistake; it is surely time to smile. Because you have super-glue in the glove compartment, ample DVD’s for the backseat and the ultra-comfortable Football Coaching Shoes on your feet.

When it’s time to leave town in a hurry, and if your own personal happiness is pretty much your only concern in the world, than you must be sporting the durable rubber soles and soft, aged leather preferred by clipboard jockeys from here to Tuscaloosa.

With a waterproof shell sealed tighter than any contract, these shoes will enable you to weather any storm and come out smelling like a rose when you finally reach that greener pasture.*

*metaphors not included

Men’s Sizes: 8-13
Styles: Saban, Petrino (new!), Miles (coming January 2008…shh!)
Price: $30-$40 million over ten years





Brett Favre Jeans.

He is a throw back. A tough guy. The strong, silent type. He is the epitome of humble work ethic. He will do whatever it takes to avoid a loss.

But he is also a rebel. A hell-raiser. A gun slinger! He is the epitome of breathtaking heroics. He will try anything to win.

He is a Champion. An MVP. The Sportsman of the Year.

But for some reason the only endorsement deal he can get is with Wrangler?

Brett Favre Jeans from Wrangler. Real. Comfortable. Jeans.

Men’s Sizes: W, 28-46; L, 28-42
Styles: Slim, Regular, Relaxed, Husky, Wisconsin
Price: $150 (marked up from twenty bucks)





Beat the heat.

I was picking vanilla beans in the Kingdom of Tonga, earning my keep on a youthful sojourn in the South Pacific. The mid-afternoon sun was always oppressive but on this particular day I was overwhelmed by a heat wave of another sort: Old Man Tofua had seen fit to erupt once again!

I dodged a flurry of frightened elbows as the natives and I fled the ash and molten rock. My eyes stung and my feet screamed, but my legs glided carefree like an early autumn breeze. Thank goodness I was wearing my Isiah Thomas Flame Retardant All-Purpose Slacks.

Whether you’re escaping a volcanic disaster, sitting on the employment hot seat or simply being judged by a court to be a “liar, liar” these pants are sure to never catch fire. The space-aged Teflon-coated cotton reinforced with classic 1950s style asbestos is a fashionable blend of old and new that will keep you cool in more ways than one.

Flat front. Four pockets. Zipper sewn shut (for your own good).

Men’s Even Sizes: 32-46; hemming 42” Max
Accessories: James Dolan Full Support Belt
Price: A once proud franchise