| By:
Patrick Irving
12/6/2007
Hey, who doesn’t love a little Q&A with a professional athlete? There is no more enjoyable way to pass 3-6 minutes on the toilet than reading useless, non-entertaining statements from an anonymous player earning the league minimum.
Why can’t sports magazines make these staples just a little interesting, you ask? Well, one reporter dared to dream…
UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT FROM DECEMBER SPORTS MAGAZINE Q&A
REPORTER: Who would you say is your role model?
ATHLETE: Jesus.
The Reporter sighs.
ATHLETE: What?
REPORTER: It’s just that, well, everyone says Jesus. Come on man. Millions of bathroom readers across the country are going to see this. Don’t you want to be original?
ATHLETE: Are you saying I’m not telling the truth?
REPORTER: No, no, of course not, but, you know, maybe we could entertain a little for once?
ATHLETE: But I want everyone to know I’m down with the Lord.
REPORTER: Yeah, I know. Alright, fine, we’ll keep it. Next question: What is your favorite movie?
ATHLETE: Jesus.
REPORTER: Are you just messin’ with me?
ATHLETE: No.
REPORTER: Ugh. Do you mean a movie about Jesus? The Mel Gibson movie?
ATHLETE: Braveheart?
REPORTER: No, The Passion. With Jim Caveziel?
ATHLETE: Who?
REPORTER: I can’t even think of another movie about…uh, The Greatest Story Ever Told?
ATHLETE: What?
REPORTER: Can you please just name any movie you’ve seen.
ATHLETE: Scarface.
REPORTER: What is your dream car?
ATHLETE: Jesus-mobile.
REPORTER: That doesn’t exist.
ATHLETE: You said dream car.
REPORTER: Okay. What does the Jesus-mobile look like?
ATHLETE: Are you mocking my faith?
REPORTER: Of course not. I just…uh…I’m sure people out there would just like more details, you know, in case the Jesus-mobile is a dream car for them, too.
ATHLETE: It’s a Bentley with gold rims.
REPORTER: Sweet.
ATHLETE: And a solid gold crucifix for a hood ornament.
REPORTER: Of course. Look, come on man. We could make bathroom reading history here.
ATHLETE: We can?
REPORTER: Yes! Don't be afraid. People will still like you if you have heroes besides Jesus and you do more with your day off than “spend time with your amazing family.”
ATHLETE: They will?
REPORTER: Of course they will! Now let’s give everyone on the toilet something to smile about.
ATHLETE: Yeah!
REPORTER: Just let ‘er rip on these questions.
ATHLETE: You got it!
REPORTER: Great! Now, what has been the proudest moment in your athletic career?
ATHLETE: The time I banged three fat chicks in the Milwaukee Radisson.
REPORTER: Yikes. Hmm, let’s come back to that one. As a professional athlete what has been your most embarrassing moment?
ATHLETE: When my teammates walked in on me banging three fat chicks in the Milwaukee Radisson.
REPORTER: Of course. I walked right into…Let’s switch it up a little. Uh, how did you really know you arrived in the pros? What was your “welcome to the league” moment?
ATHLETE: Well, we had just flown into Milwaukee, and…
REPORTER: Describe your dream day off.
ATHLETE: I get up at six in the morning and take four or five massive bong hits.
REPORTER: Uh…
ATHLETE: Then I wheel over to the McDonalds drive-thru and grab me about a half dozen McGriddles. By the time I finish those off I get home, pop in some tunes, and fall asleep until around noonish. Then I wake up, put some porn on, and…
REPORTER: Yeah, alright, uh…
ATHLETE: And after that I play a little Halo until my boys pick me up to hit the strip club.
REPORTER: How about we just say “spend time with my amazing family.”
ATHLETE: Cool.
FADE OUT:
Did you like that? Then you've got to read THIS! |
