By: Patrick Irving
11/30/2007

Yes, Commissioner Roger Goodell and the 32 franchise owners risk killing the goose that lays the golden TV eggs by putting big games like last night’s battle of once-beaten Green Bay and Dallas on the NFL Network – a channel unavailable to nearly 100 million households. But so what?

The most powerful sports league in America operates above the rule of some silly children’s fables…

THE GOOSE WITH THE GOLDEN EGG

One day a Countryman by name of Roger approached his favorite Goose by name of Tavares, whom the Countryman called TV for short. He looked in the nest and found there an egg all yellow and glittering. He took it home and soon found to his delight that it was an egg of pure gold. Every morning the same thing occurred, and he and his legion of 32 farming cooperative Partners soon became rich by selling TV’s golden eggs to the eager Townspeople.

But as they grew rich they grew greedy; and thinking to get at once all the gold the Goose TV could give, they killed it and opened it only to find nothing.

Then the strangest thing happened. The Townspeople offered to pay them a buttload of money every week anyway.

The Lesson: Greed may often overreach itself…but not when your core customer base is made up gambling enthusiasts with mid-week drinking habits and moderate to above average disposable income.




THE TORTOISE AND THE HAIR

The Hair (who was not a Rabbit or Hare, but a Man who wore a disgusting sweatshirt cut-off at the sleeves and an unsightly headband over which his unkempt Hair did flop) was once boasting of his speed before the other animals. “I have never been beaten,” said he, “when I put forth my full speed. I challenge anyone here to race with me.”

The Tortoise said quietly, “I accept your challenge.”

“That is a joke,” said the Hair. “I could dance round you all the way.”

“Keep your boasting till you’ve beaten,” answered the Tortoise. “Shall we race?”

So a course was fixed and a start was made. The Hair darted almost out of sight at once, but soon stopped and, to show his contempt for the Tortoise, lay down to have a nap. The Tortoise plodded on and plodded on…until he was close enough to the finish line that he tripped the secret video sensor that sent a wake-up signal to the Hair who nonchalantly blew by the Tortoise and won yet again.

The Lesson: Plotting, not plodding, wins the race




THE CITY MOUSE AND THE COUNTRY MOUSE

Now you must know that a City Mouse by name of Eli once upon a time went on a visit to his brother in the country. Bowling alleys and Applebees, were all this Country Mouse by name of Peyton had to offer, but he offered them freely. The City Mouse rather turned up his long nose at this country fare, and said: “I cannot understand, Brother, how you can put up with such poor conditions as this, but of course you cannot expect anything better in the country; come you with me and I will show you how to live. When you have been in town a week you will wonder how you could ever have stood a country life.”

No sooner said than done: the two mice set off for the city and arrived at the City Mouse’s home on Sunday afternoon. “You will want some refreshment after our long journey,” said the polite City Mouse, and took his friend into the grand luxury box. There they found the remains of a fine feast, and soon the two mice were eating up sushi and “real” pizza and all that was nice. Suddenly they heard growling and barking.

“What is that?” said the Country Mouse.

“It is only the dogs of the house,” answered the other. With that, the City Mouse Eli jumped down from the table and allowed the dogs to chase and maul him to a bloody pulp for the next three hours while the Country Mouse watched in horror.

“Good-bye, Brother,” said the Country Mouse.

“What! Going so soon?” said the other.

“Yes,” he replied.

The Lesson: Better bowling alleys and Applebees in the Midwest than getting the snot kicked out of you in New York




THE FROG AND THE OX

“Wow,” said a younger Frog to the big one sitting by the side of a pool, “I just saw something crazy! It was as big as a mountain, with horns on its head, and a long tail, and it had hoofs divided in two.”

“Tush, child, tush,” said the old Frog, “that was only Farmer White’s Ox. It isn’t so big either. He may be a little bit taller than I, but I could easily make myself quite as broad; just you see.”

So he blew himself out, and blew himself out, and blew himself out. “Was he as big as that?” asked he.

“Oh, much bigger than that,” said the young Frog.

Again the old one blew himself out, and asked the young one if the Ox was as big as that.

“Bigger, dude, way bigger,” was the reply.

So the Frog took a deep breath, and blew and blew and blew, and swelled and swelled and swelled. And all the other Frogs gathered round in admiration and photographed him and asked him for his autograph. It was the old Frog’s proudest hour.

And then he said: “I’m sure the Ox is not as big as—” But at this moment he burst.

The Lesson: Self-conceit MAY lead to self-destruction, but it will DEFINITELY get you on SportsCenter.

FADE OUT:

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