RADIO STATION, LINCOLN, NE – DAY


Nebraska coach Bill Callahan and his on-air Producer sit in their radio booth.

PRODUCER: Alright Coach, are you ready to take some calls?

COACH: Sure, what the heck.

PRODUCER: Mike from Omaha, you’re on the air.

MIKE: Hey Coach. First-time, long-time.

COACH: Great to have you aboard.

PRODUCER: What’s your question Mike?

MIKE: Yeah, I was just wondering, why are you trying to ruin Nebraska football?

PRODUCER: Come on now, let’s…

COACH: No, no, it’s alright. I’ve been getting that one a lot lately.

MIKE: So…?

COACH: The truth is I’m actually not trying to ruin Nebraska football.

MIKE: You’re kidding.

COACH: Nope.

MIKE: Wow. I could swear you are intentionally sabotaging the program.

COACH: Yeah, like I said, that’s a common misconception. I’m glad to finally get the chance to clear that up.

PRODUCER: Thanks for the call Mike. Now we’ve got Andy from Grand Island.

ANDY: Hello?

PRODUCER: Do you have a question for Coach Callahan Andy?

ANDY: Yeah, uh, I was just wondering exactly how much money the other schools of the Big 12 are paying you to turn the Cornhuskers into a laughingstock.

COACH (chuckling): Well, this may surprise you, but zero.

ANDY: You’re doing it for free?

COACH: No, as I mentioned to the last caller, I’m actually trying to win games over here.

ANDY: No way.

COACH: It’s true. Things just aren’t working out.

ANDY: Well, I’ll be. You’re trying to win. I had no idea.

COACH: In fairness, I haven’t been completely obvious about it.

ANDY: Wow. Well, I still hope you drop dead.

COACH: Fair enough.

PRODUCER: Now we’ve got Daryl in Lincoln. Daryl, what do you have for the Coach?

DARYL: Hi Coach. I was just wondering if you realize just how much better Tom Osborne is than you.

COACH: Well, he sure won a lot of games here. There’s no arguing about that.

DARYL: Right. He’s basically the most popular person in the state.

COACH: Yeah, it seems so, doesn’t it?

DARYL: And you are the most hated.

COACH: Well, that’s what the spray paint on the side of my house says.

DARYL: Ha! Good one. Well, gotta go. Burn in hell!

COACH: Thanks buddy, will do.

PRODUCER: Okay, here’s Sean in Lincoln.

SEAN: Hey Coach, well, I feel a little silly asking…I’m sure you get this one all the time…

COACH: That’s alright. Fire away.

SEAN: Well, how exactly do you get your head all the way up your own ass?

COACH: Uh, yeah, that does sound pretty difficult, doesn’t it?

SEAN: Almost impossible.

COACH: Well, to tell you the truth it is definitely impossible.

SEAN: But I thought…

COACH: No, that’s another of those misconceptions the casual fan has about me.

SEAN: So you’re saying…

COACH: Yup. My head is not now, nor has it ever been up my ass.

SEAN: Son of a gun.

COACH: Thanks for the call, though.

PRODUCER: Okay, here’s Jimmy in Kearney.

JIMMY: Yeah, I just want to say that a lot of the criticism that Coach is taking is unfair.

COACH: Oh, well thank you Jimmy.

JIMMY: In fact, I think you should be commended.

COACH: Well that is certainly nice of you…

JIMMY: It is so inspiring that you have been able to accomplish so much with your handicap.

COACH: My handi…?

JIMMY: Forget coaching; just to be able to walk and talk or even breathe with nothing but s*** for brains is downright amazing…

COACH: Uh, Jimmy, I actually have to stop you there.

JIMMY: Why?

COACH: I don’t have s*** for brains.

JIMMY: What?! That can’t be.

COACH: No, it’s true. I’ve got a regular old human brain.

JIMMY: Are you sure?

COACH: Yes sir. I’ve had an MRI to confirm it.

JIMMY: Jeez, I would have never guessed.

COACH: I know. You and a lot of other people.