By: Patrick Irving
10/30/2008

The once-proud University of Tennessee football squad is off to a 3-5 start and Coach Phil Fulmer is on the hottest of seats. He better be on guard this Friday night…

KNOXVILLE, TN – HALLOWEEN NIGHT

“Hold it right there boys,” bellowed the voice through the fog.

The three of them stopped in their tracks. They knew this was a dumb idea – a crazy idea – but that’s what made it so appealing. What thirteen year old boy doesn’t live to defile a neighborhood house on Halloween? And what red-blooded Tennessee Volunteer fan doesn’t think Coach Phil Fulmer needs his cage rattled a little?

Apparently, Officer Buford.

“Now, what in theee helll do you think you’re doing?” he asked the boys.

Officer Buford was a sturdy two hundred and forty pounds. He was smiling but not in a way that put the boys at ease. None could muster an answer to his query.

“I know what you think you’re doing,” he barked. “You think you’re doing something that would make the good people of Tennessee happy – even proud. Am I right?”

Of course he was right. Here they were, in Phil Fulmer’s front yard dressed in black from head to toe. Each boy was armed with one of the following: a dozen eggs; a case of toilet paper; and a very flammable paper bag chock full of dog excrement.

“Yeah, I figured some kids’d be by here tonight,” Officer Buford continued. “That’s why I figured I’d keep an eye on the place. To teach some punk kids like you a lesson or two.”

Officer Buford pointed to the boy with the dozen eggs.

“You. Come here.”

The boy swallowed hard and stepped forward.

“You think throwing eggs at this house will really help the Vols win football games? It won’t. All it will do is waste food. With all the hunger in the world you’re gonna waste food?! I don’t care what you think this coach has done to our beloved team. That is shameful behavior. Now give me those eggs and get your butt home.”

The frightened adolescent bolted for freedom as Officer Buford turned his attention to the unfortunate boy clutching the case of toilet paper.

“And you. You think throwing toilet paper all over these trees will really get us out of the SEC cellar? It won’t. All it will do is make litter. With all the pollution in the world you’re gonna litter?! I don’t care what you think this coach has done to our beloved team. That is shameful behavior. Now give me that toilet paper and get your butt home.”

Officer Buford barely finished his lecture before the aspiring juvenile delinquent made his hasty exit. Meanwhile, the third boy was shaking in terror.

Officer Buford stared at him a while and then rolled his eyes.

“Well, what are you waiting for boy? Light that bag of dog sh*t on fire so we can get the hell home.”

FADE OUT:

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