SPORTS GUY RUNNING DIARY – TEMPLATE

Instructions:
1. Select relevant points (not only may you repeat points, but you are encouraged to do so)
2. Place in chronological order and populate with actual timestamps.
3. Fill in appropriate choices within parentheses.



Well my beloved (Red Sox / Patriots / Celtics) are (on fire / in a tailspin) so you know I couldn’t resist breaking out the running diary for (game in question). Here’s what transpired:


X:XXpm: Hey it’s (Major League Baseball / the NFL / the NBA) on (network name)! Who do these networks have picking out the promo music anyway? I mean, (artist name)? Really?!


X:XXpm: And we’re joined by (Joe Buck / Jim Nantz / Mike Tirico) and (Tim McCarver / Phil Simms / some other guy). Great. Is it me or are these guys (the worst / the worst / the worst)? Where’s Gus Johnson when you need him?


X:XXpm: They just showed (our injury laden lineup / our unreliable starter / an unsettling statistic). Uh, is this really happening? I will now (tear / gouge / rip) my eyes out with a (claw hammer / icepick / DVD of Fever Pitch).


X:XXpm: (Unpopular Boston player) just (type of bad play) and as soon as it happened (my Dad / my buddy J-Bug / Cousin Sal) called and (said, “I saw that coming” / said, “what the hell was that?” / made a fart noise).


X:XXpm: Hey, (Announcer) just informed us that (TV show name) is on (day of the week) at (time). Thank God he told me! I had no idea. I will now (cut off / impale / smash) my nose with a rusty (butter knife / drain pipe / trombone).


X:XXpm: Hey, it’s the new (ridiculous consumer product) from (Company name). This is why (the terrorists hate us / we’re so fat / I never run out of material).


X:XXpm: The (umpire / referee) just called (someone safe / someone out / pass interference / traveling) even though he was clearly (out / safe / going for the ball / playing in the NBA). Someone get Tim Donaghy’s bookie on the phone immediately.


X:XXpm: You’ll be happy to hear that (Announcer) just told us that the key to winning is (scoring more than the other team / getting the other team to score less than you). Great analysis fellas. By the way, my (left ear / right eyebrow / medical dictionary) is now bleeding.


X:XXpm: I just got a reader email from (Loser’s name) in (probably Boston). He pointed out that we may be witnessing a (one of Bill’s famous colloquialisms). I couldn’t agree more, (Loser). If you consider…(Note: Proceed to analyze the point for 3,000 words or until you fall asleep).


X:XXpm: Well, either (Coach/Manager) still thinks it’s (past year) or he’s been taking advice from (a notoriously stupid B-list celebrity) because he insists on (staying with / going to / calling) the ridiculous (person / thing).


X:XXpm: Well, (previously chastised decision) just worked like a charm. The lesson, as always: I’m an idiot.


X:XXpm: (The lyrics to an overexposed, annoying commercial jingle over and over again with lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!)


X:XXpm: I think it’s time to add a new face to the pantheon: the (Name of frustrated player) Face. I mean, look at him. He is frustrated and he has a stupid look on his face. Zing!


X:XXpm: Have you gotten a good look at (Player or Coach) lately? He looks like a cross between (character from Shawshank Redemption or Teen Wolf) and (1970’s porn star).


X:XXpm: Look out. (Player Name) is (pitching / playing / moving) like (Ian Zeiring / Ken Howard / Gabe Kaplan) after a night of (Note: write whatever you like. No one gets the reference anyway).


X:XXpm: Wait a minute! (Popular Boston player) just (type of great play)! I haven’t been this excited since (reality show contestant) decided to (slap / kiss / slap-kiss) that crazy (second reality show contestant).


X:XXpm: The (Sideline Reporter) just told us (anything). What a (dipsh*t / a**hole / probable child molester).


X:XXpm: Just got an email from (another Loser) who tells me he is watching this game in Vegas with (buddies / strippers / real live girls!). Man, I miss being single. As soon as this game ends, I’ll just plop into bed next to a sleeping (Sports Gal / Life-sized Larry Bird cutout / Adam Carolla).

X:XXpm: (Network) shows the obligatory (graphic / stat / B-List celebrity in the crowd). Why do they always insist on doing this? Alright, we get it guys. What’s next, a (visit in the booth from Charles Barkley / videotape of the Bill Buckner play / a running diary)?