By: Patrick Irving
10/12/2008

Overheard recently in the great state of Alaska…

SARAH PALIN ADDRESSES HER LOCAL YOUTH HOCKEY TEAM

Well, hello everyone, it is such a thrill to be here. You know, I spend so much time out there on the campaign trail now talking about how me and John McCain are going to shake things up in Washington, you know, and how we’re a couple of mavericks and all that stuff, so that it’s great to get a break and be back here talking to you all – the Wasilla Whalers!

Now, I heard you had your first game of the season last night and I heard you were real champions out there on that ice.

What’s that? Yes, I heard you lost 8-0, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are all exceptional. You’re champions and you are all exceptional hockey players. Year after year, you are the number one team in the 10 Year and Under league. You Whalers are by far the greatest hockey team on the planet. Isn’t that right, moms and dads out there?

It’s been how long?

You say the Whalers haven’t been number one in how many years?

How dare you say such a thing, ma’am?!

No! No, I don’t want to hear it! Are you trying to tell me that your Whalers – your kids! – don’t try their hearts out?

You’re darn tootin’ they do!

No one works harder than the Whalers. So how can you possibly say…?

Lost the championship game?! Where did you hear that? The mainstream media?

Look, people can jumble and jangle all the facts and stuff they want, but why would you want to do that? Why do some people insist on trying to find a way to say the Whalers are not number one?

How could saying that possibly make this team better?

What? It will force you to fix the problems? But you’re creating the problems. When you’re number one, there are no problems. Am I right?! Come on: Whale-ers! Whale-ers! Whale-ers!

Why isn’t anyone chanting?

You can chant and focus on getting better at the same time.

Well, I can. Listen, I have some real reforms that are going to make you kids a much more successful team. Not that you need to get better. You’re perfect, remember? But you can get even perfecter.

What are you giggling at?

Now, listen, I know what has been holding you back the last few years. And it’s not an issue of talent or dedication or sacrifice or innovation or stubbornness or wasted resources. It’s an issue of regulation. Those dog-gone referees just get in the way of your progress!

Yeah, right? I knew you’d come around. So, I say we get rid of those pesky good-for-nothings altogether. Bless their hearts. You kids just go out there and use your best judgment and do what you can to win those hockey games at all costs. But play fair.

What? Oh, it’s perfectly safe, you ninny.

And listen, I don’t think we should stop there. There are plenty of other regulations you kids can do without. The size of the goal for one. Who says it has to be only six feet by four feet? I say the bigger the goal, the more we score, right?

Well, yes, the other team would also…look, I’m getting sick of you lady. Is your kid even on this team?

Look, I’m a maverick, so I know what I’m talking about. And I say you are number one no matter what anyone says. But you can be more number one if you want because you are the best and you are Wasilla Whalers and you are exceptional. That is what I am saying to you.

Now go out there and have a great season and make all your dreams come true. And maybe when I’m done being Vice President in a few years one of you can have a turn.

Of course you’re qualified.

FADE OUT:

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