FLIPPANT QUESTIONS, FAKE NAMES, FUNNY ANSWERS:

Mike Vick just tested positive for marijuana?! Regardless of what you think about his circumstances, there’s no getting around how stupid that was, is there? Will he ever learn?!
- Reid Thurber, Washington, DC

Yes! Vick seriously gets it now. Just look at his latest day planner:

  7:00am     Wake up
  7:10am     Smoke weed
  7:30am     Jog / Workout
  9:00am     Breakfast
10:00am     Memorabilia signing with OJ Simpson
12:30pm     Smoke weed
12:45pm     Lunch
  2:00pm     Dog track with Tim Donaghy
  4:20pm     Smoke weed
  4:30pm     Watch “The People’s Court” (take notes)
  5:30pm     Drive to Happy Hour with Kiefer Sutherland
  8:00pm     Double date with Phil Spector
11:00pm     Catch a ride home with Kiefer
11:15pm     Smoke weed
11:30pm     Watch rerun of “Night Court” (take notes/giggle)
11:59pm     Lights out


Should ESPN hold a town hall meeting on Bob Ley’s hair?
- Tom Plumm, New York, NY

On top of it or about it? Either way: yes.


Who ya got: Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy or the reporter?
- Ken Riddick, Cincinnati, OH

Oh, yeah, it’s go time! Ding, ding, ding!

Ladies and gentlemen…In this corner, wearing the orange shirt and sweet visor; the Duke of Rebuke; the Cantankerous Cowboy: Coach Mike Gundy!

And his opponent, wearing the beige pantsuit (?) and press credential; the Non-Mater of Stillwater; the Oklahoman-They’re-Bemoanin’: Jenni Carlson!

Hey, why not? It would outdraw Tommy Lee vs. Kid Rock. And it’s more entertaining than the actual issue anyway.

A debate over the legitimacy of criticizing quasi-amateur athletes does not sell papers (or make it as a “Hot Click”). But a ridonkulous tirade and the ensuing aftermath always will.

At least both parties got what they wanted out of the situation: Carlson is now nationally known as a heartless opportunist, and Coach Gundy ensured that the entire country – and not just Oklahoma – is aware of his player’s shortcomings. Nice work.


Now that Tennessee won’t be playing UCONN this year, my raging enthusiasm for the women’s hoops season is beginning to wane. Whatever will I do?
- Omar Noles, Indianapolis, IN

ME: I’m picking up on your sarcasm.

YOU: Well, I should hope so, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.

PRODUCER OF “TOMMY BOY” (to Me): Hey, come up with your own material!


How many losers actually voted to put an asterisk on Bonds’ 756th homerun ball?
- Everett Lourdes, Seattle, WA

The voting broke down like this:

34%: The ball is a sham: Brand it with an asterisk
22%: The ball is a piece of history: Give to it to the Hall with no asterisk
13%: The ball is a joke: Launch it into space
11%: The ball has been unfairly singled out: A fine and probation is acceptable
11%: The ball is not a victim: Lock it up and throw away the key
  6%: The ball was recruited by Ty Willingham: Throw it under a bus
  3%: The ball is not yet a True Yankee: Hold off judgment until the playoffs


Isn’t Ohio State supposed to be a football-crazy school? Why does any Buckeye need to solicit a prostitute?
- Jamie Biscayne, Detroit, MI

It was his only chance of going pro.


I’d like to watch the Penn State game this Saturday at noon, but I also want to see the Cal/Oregon game at 3:30. Then there is a party I don’t want to miss. And my buddy has the NFL package so it’s tough to peel myself off the couch on Sunday. Assuming I need to get some work done at some point this weekend, how should I budget my time?
- Adam Kellen, Pittsburgh, PA

This brings a familiar fable to mind:

In a field one autumn’s day, a Grasshopper was lounging about when an industrious Ant passed by dragging an ear of corn.

“Why not come and hang out with me,” said the Grasshopper, “instead of toiling in that way?”

“I am securing my future by storing up food for the winter,” said the Ant, “and I recommend you do the same.”

“Why bother about the future?” said the Grasshopper, “when there is so much to do at present.” But the Ant went on its way and continued its toil.

Then, when the winter came, the fun-loving Grasshopper hitched a ride to Cabo with a smokin’ hot Sparrow – and the Ant died alone of a heart attack in his crappy apartment.

THE LESSON: Never assume anything.