MLB CLUBHOUSE, CELLAR-DWELLING CITY, USA – DAY

The assembled Team sits on folding chairs as their Manager addresses them.

MANAGER: Alright men, I know we’re in last place, but we’re still professionals. So we’re gonna go out there and play our butts off tonight.

Player 1 raises his hand.

MANAGER: Yeah?

PLAYER 1: I can’t go tonight Skip. I think I’ve got a pulled hamstring.

MANAGER: Are you sure?

PLAYER 1: Uh, yeah, it’s pretty bad.

MANAGER: Hmm. Alright, if you say so.

Player 1 pumps his fist in celebration.

PLAYER 2: Uh, I can’t play either.

MANAGER: Why?

PLAYER 2: Also a pulled hamstring.

MANAGER: I just saw you running on the treadmill.

PLAYER 2: Pulled biceps?

MANAGER: And lifting weights.

PLAYER 2: Pulled hair?

MANAGER: Pulled hair?

PLAYER 2: I did it taking my hat off. It hurt.

MANAGER: Okay fine. If you want to be a big baby and not play, I’ll sit you out. Anyone else?

Every Player’s hand shoots up.

MANAGER: Oh come on. I know you’re not all injured.

PLAYER 3: How dare you?

MANAGER: What’s your problem then?

PLAYER 3: Uh…baseball elbow.

MANAGER: What’s that?

PLAYER 3: It’s like tennis elbow, but much worse.

The Manager rubs his face in frustration.

PLAYER 4: I’m out too.

The Manager rolls his eyes.

MANAGER: With?

PLAYER 4: Sweet tooth.

MANAGER: How can that…?!

PLAYER 5: Me too.

MANAGER: Not sweet tooth?

PLAYER 5: No, eye of the tiger.

MANAGER: Isn’t that a good thing?

PLAYER 5: I’m allergic to cats.

MANAGER: This is crazy. I can’t bench all my starters. It’s a disgrace. What’s it gonna take to get you in the lineup?

Player 3 raises his hand.

MANAGER: What.

PLAYER 3: Question: Do we have to run everything out?

MANAGER: Yes, of course you do.

Groans from the Players.

PLAYER 3: I’ll play if I don’t have to run everything out.

The Players murmur in agreement.

MANAGER: That’s ridiculous. I can’t let you go out there and do that.

Player 3 leans back in his chair.

PLAYER 3: Well, I think we may have a problem then.

MANAGER: Oh come on.

PLAYER 4: I don’t want to run either Skip.

PLAYER 5: Me neither.

MANAGER: Alright, alright. Let’s see. How about if you run three-quarter speed down the line but you clap your hands together and shout an expletive like you’re really disappointed in yourself?

PLAYER 3: I can do that.

PLAYER 5: Fine by me.

PLAYER 4: Okay, but let me ask you this: Do we have to slide?

MANAGER: Well, yeah, if it’s a close play.

PLAYER 5: What?!

PLAYER 3: I don’t know about all that.

MANAGER: What else would you do?

PLAYER 3: Just stop running.

PLAYER 5: Or veer off and head right for the dugout.

MANAGER: Fellas, that is just unacceptable.

Player 3 winces dramatically and flexes his elbow.

MANAGER: Alright, alright, how about…uh…just run slow enough so that there are no close plays. That will look a little better.

PLAYER 4: Fair enough.

MANAGER: Okay. So let’s get out there and…

PLAYER 5: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We didn’t talk about when we’re in the field.

MANAGER: Uh-huh.

PLAYER 5: Well, let’s say hypothetically there is a fly ball headed right between two outfielders.

MANAGER: Yeah?

PLAYER 5: How do we determine who gets it?

MANAGER: You should both go after it.

The Players look at each other in astonishment.

PLAYER 3: Why should both guys have to run?

The Manager rubs his face in frustration.

MANAGER: Okay, um, both of you jog…

PLAYER 5: Ahem.

MANAGER: …trot?

Player 5 crinkles his nose in disgust.

MANAGER: …loaf?

PLAYER 5: Bingo.

MANAGER: Both of you loaf after it and pretend to lose it in the sun…

Player 3 raises his hand.

MANAGER: …or the lights…

The hand goes down.

MANAGER: …When it inevitably drops in between you, whoever is closer will pick it up and throw it over the cut-off man’s head.

PLAYER 5: I can live with that.

PLAYER 3: Me too.

PLAYER 4: Do infielders have to get in front of groundballs?

MANAGER: Come on fellas.

PLAYER 4: You know what? I don’t think I can play after all.

MANAGER: I can’t believe this! You guys are supposed to be professional ballplayers. I don’t care if you’re disappointed in how the season turned out. You have an obligation to go out there and give people their money’s worth, not raise your hand at the slightest opportunity to take the night off. You’re acting like a bunch of damn candy-asses.

Every Player’s hand shoots up as they clutch their hindquarters with concern.