SPORTS BAR, BUFFALO, NY – DAY

Red, white and blue jerseys slump forlornly on their stools. A groan echoes throughout the bar. Steve turns to Bob in disgust.

STEVE: This game is over.

BOB: This season is over.

STEVE: I hate Losman.

BOB: He’s the worst.

A Voice yells from down the bar.

VOICE: Just give him time!

BOB: Shut up Hambone!

STEVE: How can we sink any lower?

A Newsman appears on the TV above.

NEWSMAN: We interrupt this game to bring you breaking news. OJ Simpson was arrested by Las Vegas police today and charged with robbery and assault with a deadly weapon.

Bob and Steve shake their heads as they glance at each other.

BOB and STEVE: Please don’t say it.

NEWSMAN: The former Buffalo Bills running back…

Their heads flop on the bar.

NEWSMAN: …allegedly stormed into a hotel room with three accomplices and forcibly removed memorabilia items he claims belong to him. More on this story as it develops.

BOB: Nice.

STEVE: Our team is in the toilet and the greatest player in franchise history is, once again, a national punchline.

VOICE: He was framed!

BOB: I said shut up!

STEVE: Hey, I guess it could be worse.

BOB: How? How could things possibly be worse?!

NEWSMAN: We interrupt again for this emergency medical alert. Scientists have just determined that chicken wings cause cancer.

BOB: What?!

NEWSMAN: Health officials urge the nation to cease eating them immediately.

Steve drops a half-eaten wing down on his plate.

STEVE: You’ve got to be kidding me.

BOB: What are we supposed to do now?

VOICE: I just like the celery anyway.

Bob stands up angrily.

BOB: I swear, if you don’t shut…!

Steve eases him back into his stool.

STEVE: Forget it man.

BOB: Well, that’s it. We’ve officially bottomed out.

NEWSMAN: This just in…OJ Simpson has escaped from prison and is leading the police on another low speed pursuit.

BOB: Here it comes…

NEWSMAN: The Pride of Buffalo is said to have a hostage.

BOB: Nice.

STEVE: Wow. We just cannot catch a break.

NEWSMAN: This just in…the report about chicken wings causing cancer was not entirely accurate.

BOB: Thank God.

NEWSMAN: It turns out that if the wings are eaten in conjunction with beer, there are no ill effects.

The bar breaks into applause. Bob and Steve high five.

NEWSMAN: There is one caveat, however: this does not apply to Canadian beer.

The bar groans.

BOB: Oh, what the…?!

VOICE: I’m a Coors Light man myself.

Bob lunges down the bar, but Steve catches him.

STEVE: Hey, come on, settle down.

BOB: Settle down?! The Bills stink; the whole city is one big OJ joke; and I can either quit eating chicken wings or stop drinking Canadian beer! What’s next?

STEVE: You’ve got to look at the bright side. It’s almost hockey season.

NEWSMAN: This just in…the Buffalo Sabres are now a soccer team.

Bob turns to Steve in anger.

STEVE: I don’t know what to tell you man.

BOB: Is it so much to ask to catch a break once in a while? Can’t a Bills fan get just a little good news?

NEWSMAN: We have just confirmed the identity of former Buffalo superstar OJ Simpson’s hostage. It turns out it is former Bills quarterback Rob Johnson.

Bob and Steve’s eyes light up.

NEWSMAN: And, oh, wait a minute…we’ve just been told that OJ has let Johnson go.

The Bar lets out a collective groan.

STEVE: It’s probably for the best.

BOB: I just wish we could get beyond being known for OJ and “wide right” jokes.

NEWSMAN: In lighter news, a major Hollywood studio has announced a new blockbuster movie to be set in and filmed on location in Buffalo.

STEVE: Hey, that’s something!

NEWSMAN: It’s called “Wide Right.”

STEVE: Of course it is.

NEWSMAN: And it will star Dane Cook and Kathy Griffin.

BOB: Unbelievable.

VOICE: Those two are hilarious!

BOB: I am going to rip your…

STEVE: Just sit down. Come on, we’ve been through rough patches before. This is nothing.

NEWSMAN: So, to sum up our top story, noted degenerate OJ Simpson broke out of prison, sideswiped a busload of Girl Scouts and crashed his car into a church. His former team, the Buffalo Bills, will play first place New England next week. The Patriots have beaten the Juice’s former squad in seven straight.

STEVE: Did you hear that?

Bob’s face lights up.

BOB: Yeah. We’re due! Coors Lights for everyone!

They all cheer.