COOKING SHOW STUDIO, NEW YORK, NY – DAY

The butcher block countertop is loaded with various foods and mixing bowls; pots and pans hang overhead.

Jared Lorenzen – all 285-plus pounds of him – smiles wide in his big blue apron.

LORENZEN: Hey everybody and welcome back to “Cooking with J-Load.” I’m your host Jared Lorenzen. Today we’re making a time honored favorite: Chicken Parmesan. But we’re gonna do it up J-Load style!

The Audience dutifully applauds.

LORENZEN: Alright, so we have our vat of oil here. You know, some of these eggheads will tell you to stay away from the trans fats, but, hey, I’m a country boy…

He cocks his head with a mischievous smile. The Audience applauds and cheers.

LORENZEN: Sometimes you just have to spoil yourself a little. Now let’s get our chicken.

He lifts a plate.

LORENZEN: Now, in lieu of chicken, I like to use a nice pork chop. It just gives you that little extra flavor.

He dips the chop in egg wash.

LORENZEN: And along with the flour I like to bread it with a little, oh I don’t know – powdered sugar!

The Audience explodes in cheers. Lorenzen breads some chops and drops them in the oil.

LORENZEN: While those are cooking, let’s get our appetizer.

He takes three steps to the refrigerator and starts wheezing uncontrollably. He clutches to the fridge for support.

LORENZEN: Oh man…oh…whoo!...that was some walk…let’s take a call…

CALLER: Uh, hi Jared.

He is still weezing.

LORENZEN: You’re…on the…air.

CALLER: Yeah, hi, first-time, long-time. I just wanna say that you’re a disgrace to the NFL.

LORENZEN: Oh…that’s real…hold on…

Lorenzen removes a can of whip cream from a hip holster and squirts himself a mouthful.

LORENZEN: Whew. That’s better.

CALLER: I’m actually getting sick to my stomach just watching you.

LORENZEN: How dare you sir? Don’t you think it is an unnecessary cheap shot for people like you – or some loser writers out there – to poke fun of my weight?

CALLER: Maybe; if you weren’t a professional athlete who is paid to take care of his body.

LORENZEN: But I’m a football player. We’re supposed to be big. Who are you to judge?

CALLER: You’re a quarterback! Besides, the second your heart-attack-red face stumbled into a drive-killing Jason Giambi-esque flop, all bets were off.

LORENZEN: Well, I can’t help it sir. I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.

Lorenzen grabs a bowl from the refrigerator and walks three steps back to the counter. The wheezing starts again.

LORENZEN: Oh…shoot…let’s take another…call…

COUGHLIN: Uh, yeah, Jared, it’s Coach Coughlin here.

Lorenzen takes another pull from his whipped cream inhaler.

LORENZEN: Oh hey Coach.

COUGHLIN: Yeah, uh, we need you over here at practice. You might have to play this weekend.

LORENZEN: But you said it would be a cold day in hell before…

COUGHLIN: I know what I said. But just…just get over here.

LORENZEN: Do I have time to eat first because…

Coughlin hangs up.

LORENZEN: Well, that was just rude. Let’s finish this up anyway. So we’ve got our sugar-breaded pork chop fried in trans fats. Now, here’s our sauce…

He holds up a spoonful from the big pot on the stove.

LORENZEN: …Which also has sugar in it; along with some peanut M&M’s. As far as the spaghetti goes, here’s a tip: If you run sausage meat through a pasta maker it comes out just like spaghetti – and it’s a heck of a lot tastier.

Lorenzen holds up a finished plate to applause.

LORENZEN: And voila. Oh, we have another caller?

GIAMBI: What’s up bro-ham?

LORENZEN: Oh, speak of the devil! It’s my training partner Jason Giambi. Just makin’ a little chicken parm dude.

GIAMBI: Oh sweet. Did you go with the sausage spaghetti?

LORENZEN: You know it. And a nice bacon and egg salad to start.

He holds up the bowl for the camera.

GIAMBI: With the bacon grease vinaigrette?

LORENZEN: Of course. You know I don’t cut corners.

GIAMBI: Save me some. I’ll need it after this road trip. Can you believe most hotels stop room service after midnight?

LORENZEN: I know. It’s a joke.

GIAMBI: Well, hey, I just wanted to wish you luck. I heard you might get the start on Sunday.

LORENZEN: Isn’t that nuts? Eli hasn’t missed a game since high school. I bet the Giants weren’t counting on this.

GIAMBI: That’s alright. This is an amazing opportunity for you. I bet you’re glad you’re so prepared for it. All that dedication to your career is really gonna pay off.

LORENZEN: Let’s hope so.