FROM THE DESK OF CHARLIE WEIS:

Dear Lloyd,

How is everything going over there? Not so great I guess, huh? Oh well, what are you gonna do? They always said there’d be days like that. Well, not quite like THAT, but, well, you know what I mean. I had a bit of a rough weekend myself. Perhaps you heard?

Sorry, I know you have problems of your own. I just want you to realize that you’re not alone out there. In fact, I feel compelled to tell you that, well, I owe you one.

I’m sure that is small consolation. I mean, wow, to lose to a 1-AA team – oh soooo sorry, I meant Championship Subdivision team. Yeah, good thing the NCAA changed that name. Way to downplay our lack of playoffs fellas. You guys are marketing geniuses. But I digress.

As I was saying, I know you did not intentionally lose to a “CSD” team, let alone in your home opener, but you really did me a solid, my friend. You won’t believe this, but we could only squeak out a mere 122 yards and 3 points of offense. I’ve put up bigger numbers at Sizzler!

Do you realize that in our last three games we’ve been outscored 118 to 41? Well, guess what? Thanks to your little puppet show, no one else does either. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been offered my customary five-year contract extension (yet), but I’m not exactly on the hot seat either. Heck, some reporters even still refer to me as an “offensive guru” (although, I’m pretty sure I saw the guy making air quotes when he said it).

The point is you really came through for me and I can’t wait to thank you personally when our 0-2, unranked teams meet for our nationally televised showdown on September 15th. Actually, by that time boosters may be clamoring for your ouster and I may or may not have a contract extension though 2029. Let’s hope cooler heads prevail.

Until then, keep your chin up. I’m sure your players still love you. That reminds me, I played golf with Regis Philbin and Tom Brady a few weeks ago and he asked me to say “hi” (Brady, not Regis. Ha-ha). Actually he asked me to say “hi” and “thanks for keeping me buried on the bench for two years.”

Just kidding. I’m sure you had your reasons.

Anyway, I better get going. We’ve got Penn State this weekend and Paterno has my phone ringing off the hook. He calls nonstop demanding to speak with Ara Parseghian.

I’ll see you in a couple weeks. In the meantime stay strong and don’t forget: Play like a champion today!

Your buddy,

Charlie