| By:
Patrick Irving
9/4/2007
Once upon a time, Sundays were for family. Then, the NFL came along and they became about friends. Now, in this era of fantasy football, they are for injury reports, satellite packages and an unnatural interest in the Week 12 Browns vs. Texans crap-off just because an old college roommate snookered you into taking a flyer on Matt Schaub.
And speaking of this year’s fantasy draft, if you’ve already had yours: Congratulations! (Word on the street is that your squad is absolutely LOADED!)
And if you haven’t done the deed yet, you better get on it – you’re almost out of time. And you certainly don’t want to be left out. You cannot let that happen! Don’t you feel lonely? Don’t you feel empty inside? Quick, go brush up on your numbers. Read one of the hundreds of advice columns. For the love of LaDainian Tomlinson, pick up a phone and get in on that sweet fantasy action…
LIVING ROOM, ANYTOWN, USA – NIGHT
The home’s residents doze uncomfortably on the couch. The only light in the room is from the “2:38AM” glowing on the cable box clock and the flickering of the unwatched television above it.
A new commercial begins with a stressed out Man in glasses fretting over his laptop. A woman’s Sexy Voice purrs to him:
SEXY VOICE: Are you tired of working hard but never having any fun?
The Man looks up forlornly. He shakes his head “yes.”
SEXY VOICE: Looking for a good time, but having trouble finding that special someone?
The Man frowns and shakes his head again.
SEXY VOICE: Well, look no further because the Fantasy Football Hotline has everything you ever wanted.
The Man smiles as his face lights up in anticipation.
SEXY VOICE: We know what you’re looking for, so now all you have to do is call and get it!
Cut To… LaDainian Tomlinson stands on a field with a football. He is clearly reading off a cue card.
TOMLINSON: Hey, I’m LaDainian Tomlinson. But you know who I am. Now I’d like to get to know you. Find out why I should be a lock as Number One pick in any fantasy draft. Give me a call and…
Tomlinson squints in bewilderment.
TOMLINSON: …I’ll make your fantasy dreams come true?
He looks off to the side.
TOMLINSON: Really? That’s the line?
Cut To… Peyton Manning throwing fly patterns to some receivers.
SEXY VOICE: Oooh, yeaaaah. And the action doesn’t stop there. The Fantasy Football Hotline has every position covered.
Manning bombs one down field and then turns to the camera with a smile to read his lines.
MANNING: Don’t be fooled by the hype. You might score with some running backs, but you better get with a strong armed QB if you want to go all the way.
Manning winces.
MANNING: Wait a minute. Is that the script we discussed?
Cut To… The Man at his laptop rubs his hands together with delight.
SEXY VOICE: Ooh, that’s right. The Fantasy Football Hotline knows what guys want.
Cut To… An empty bed.
SEXY VOICE: And after you get through all our proven talent, don’t forget about the Sleepers.
There is still no one in the bed.
Vince Young storms out in a bathrobe.
YOUNG: Hell no. I am not getting in that bed. What is this ad for anyway?
Cut To… Adam Vinatieri stretches out near a kicking tee.
SEXY VOICE: And when it starts to get late, don’t forget about Adam Vinatieri. He’s always a suuuure thiiiiing.
Vinatieri stops stretching and glares at the camera.
VINATIERI: Hey, are you filming me?
Cut To… The Man at his laptop frantically presses buttons on his phone.
Cut To… Antonio Gates does barbell curls in the weight room.
SEXY VOICE: Oooh, that’s right. We’ve got what you need to fill out the entire roster.
GATES: And you know my athleticism and consistency makes me tops in my position every year. Why don’t you call me and find out why I’m the most coveted Tight End in the league.
Gates drops the barbell.
GATES: That doesn’t sound right.
LaDainian Tomlinson runs over to the camera from across the weight room.
TOMLINSON: Uh-uh, get them out of here.
GATES: Didn’t you shoot one of these?
TOMLINSON: Yeah, but they’re messed up…
Tomlinson puts his hand over the camera.
Cut To… Calvin Johnson stands uncomfortably with a backpack slung over one shoulder.
SEXY VOICE: Oooh, we’ll give you the college stats, too.
JOHNSON: Every year a hot new rookie breaks through. Why can’t it be me? Call me now and let’s see if I’m the one for you.
Johnson smiles uncomfortably.
DIRECTOR’S VOICE: Nice Calvin. Now let’s try one with your shirt off.
JOHNSON: Is that normal? I mean, I’m new to this kinda stuff and…
DIRECTOR’S VOICE: Sure. That’s how it works in the pros.
Calvin tugs at his shirt…and then runs off in tears.
JOHNSON: I can’t!
Cut To… The Man is gabbing away on the phone with a huge smile on his face. He takes a pull from his beer.
SEXY VOICE: The Fantasy Football Hotline. Where all your fantasy football dreams come true. Only $5.99 per minute or free with a subscription to ESPN Insider.
DISCLAIMER: Callers will not talk to actual players. This ad is not approved by the NFLPA. All players were tricked and/or blackmailed into appearing…except for Peyton Manning.
FADE OUT:
Patrick Irving is in not one, but two fantasy football leagues. That guy sounds cool! |
