By: Patrick Irving
8/30/2008

Just had that fantasy football draft? Huh? What’s that, you say? Your team looks unstoppable? So, you’re feelin’ pretty good, huh?

Enjoy it while it lasts…

THE FIVE STAGES OF (FANTASY FOOTBALL) GRIEF


                                                              Denial

Look, an 0-2 start is hardly the end of the world. There wasn’t a team in this league last year with less than two losses. Of course I’m still going to make the playoffs. I’ve got [NAME OF BEST PLAYER ON TEAM] for crying out loud! He’s going to break out any minute.

Not to mention [RELIABLE VETERAN]. He puts up solid numbers every year. It’s not like that streak is going to suddenly end this year for no reason. And what about [PROMISING ROOKIE]? I’ve got nothing but upside, here.

I appreciate your concern, but don’t worry about me. I’m going to be just fine.



                                                              Anger

What the (fudge)?! Did you see that [BEST PLAYER ON TEAM] is out six weeks?! Did he really tear his ACL playing Guitar Hero? What a (jerk)!!

And what the (fudge) are you laughing at you son of a (girl-jerk)? Your team has just been lucky. Damn it! Everyone knows [RELIABLE VETERAN] is way better than [GUY ON OPPOSING TEAM]!

Did I mention, (fudge) off?



                                                          Bargaining

Okay, trade me [GUY ON OPPOSING TEAM] for [RELIABLE VETERAN] straight up. Come on! Why not?

Look, I’m sorry I told you to (fudge) off, okay? I lost my head for a minute. But just make this one trade with me and I can still grab the last playoff berth. Please.

Come ooooonnnnn. Your bench is so deep it’s ridiculous. I’ll throw in [PROMISING ROOKIE].

No, I heard he’s going to get more playing time this week. Please just make this trade. I’ll give you 30% of my prize money. Please.

50/50?

Come ooooonnnnn!!!



                                                           Depression

Oh, who cares that I’m going to miss the playoffs? Psh. Fantasy football. Just saying “fantasy football” sounds pathetic. Seriously, don’t you feel like a loser for caring about this nonsense? Even my team name is stupid: [ANY TEAM NAME].

Wow, just think of all the time and energy I’ve wasted. I could have used it to get into shape. Or I could have read a book – well, a ton of magazines, anyway.

But I didn’t. I’m such a loser.



                                                          Acceptance

You know what? I don’t mind missing the playoffs. And I’m thrilled that my brother’s girlfriend finished in first place – even if she is from Iceland and has never seen a football game in her life.

Fantasy football is about enjoying some laughs with your friends. It’s not about gambling and bragging rights. I may have failed as a fantasy owner, and my team may be dead in the water, but there is no sense getting upset over it…

…especially since I’m gonna win the whole (fudging) thing next year.

FADE OUT:

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