AUDITORIUM, CORPORATE HQ, USA – DAY

The 119 (give or take) employees of Big Corporate Synergies, Inc., are assembled in the company’s auditorium. As usual, they look bored out of their minds.

The Chairman swaggers to the podium up front.

CHAIRMAN: Welcome all to our Quarterly Financial Review and Teambuilding Fun Time. Who’s ready for some fun?!

The Employees all stare at the ground uncomfortably.

CHAIRMAN: Me too! Before we get started, though, I have an announcement to make. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is the bonus pool is bigger than ever this year.

Murmurs of approval circulate amongst the Employees.

CHAIRMAN: The bad news is most of you won’t be getting jack squat.

The murmurs grow angry.

CHAIRMAN: You’ll be evaluated and ranked from best to worst. Obviously the Number 1 employee will be the winner and get the most cash.

The Employees eye each other with suspicion.

CHAIRMAN: You’ll find the lists of rankings under your chairs.

The Employees scramble for the lists.

CALVIN: Sweet! I’m number one.

CHAIRMAN: Uh, no Calvin, not quite. That’s “Southern” Calvin at the top.

Calvin clenches his fist in anger.

SOUTHERN CALVIN: Yee-haw!

LOUISE: This is some bull…

CHAIRMAN: Take it easy Louise. You’re in the 2 spot. That’s pretty darn good.

LOUISE: Why am I Number 2? I had a better year than him.

FLO: I had a better year than both of you.

CHAIRMAN: Please people, let’s be civilized about this. These are just today’s rankings. They’ll likely change over the course of the year.

SOUTHERN CALVIN: Dag nab it!

CHAIRMAN: You should still be excited Southern Calvin. The position is yours to lose.

SOUTHERN CALVIN: But I don’t want to lose it.

CHAIRMAN: Then just put up those winning numbers week in and week out and it’s all yours.

FLO: Why does he get to start at the top? What’s the point of ranking us now?

CHAIRMAN: To give me a baseline. I can’t be expected to pay attention to all of you at once.

IDA: But what if someone has an exceptional year?

LOUISE: Oh here we go.

Little blue-haired Ida stands up in the back.

IDA: What if I exceed all my goals? Can I move all the way from the 20’s to Number 1?

CHAIRMAN: Possibly.

IDA: Really?

CHAIRMAN: Probably not.

BUCKY: What about from Number 10?

FLO: Oh, you had your chance Bucky.

Bucky not so discreetly scratches his nose with his middle finger.

CHAIRMAN: Moving up from Number 10 is possible – if you are the top producer in your business unit.

IDA: But I’m always tops in my unit.

LOUISE: Oh for crying out loud Ida! You manage the mail room.

ALLY: Excuse me. Can I say something?

CHAIRMAN: Who said that?

ALLY: I did. Back here.

CHAIRMAN: Who are you?

ALLY: Ally

That doesn’t help him.

ALLY: Ally Bamma.

Laughter erupts.

CHAIRMAN: You still work here?

Ally sits down in shame. She is comforted by her irate (but sober) co-worker Fighty McIrish. Meanwhile…

FLO: Hey wait a minute, there’s more than one list.

CHAIRMAN: That’s right.

FLO: I’m Number 3 on one and Number 6 on another.

CHAIRMAN: I’ve asked different groups to give me their input.

SOUTHERN CALVIN: Who?

CHAIRMAN: Oh, all kinds of experts: consultants, customers, custodial staff…you’d be surprised at how many different opinions there are out there. And everyone is so eager to help.

LOUISE: I bet. So how are you going to decide at the end? I mean there must be some concrete quantifiable standards otherwise HR would…

CHAIRMAN: Don’t worry, HR is on board. They procured some new software that will ensure the correct decision is made.

FLO: Well, how does the software decide? What variables and formulas…?

CHAIRMAN: No one knows.

SOUTHERN CALVIN: Well golly…

LOUISE: Oh, would you quit it! You’re not fooling anyone “Southern” Calvin. You’re from the Pacific Coast.

SOUTHERN CALVIN: So.

Louise and Flo smirk at one another.

CHAIRMAN: Now this is what I like: a little healthy competition.

LOUISE: So I can go head to head with him to become Number 1?

CHAIRMAN: Maybe.

They’re all confused.

CHAIRMAN: If everything works out and you are both Numbers 1 and 2 respectively at the end of the year, then you could find a way to prove yourself. But if you have just one bad week…

BUCKY: Then I’m in!

FLO: Shut up Bucky!

LOUISE: I’m in.

CHAIRMAN: If you don’t slip up.

FLO: In which case I could be in.

CHAIRMAN: Potentially.

SOUTHERN CALVIN: Well, wait a minute. We’ve got a long way to go here. We’re all bound to struggle a little. We’re not perfect.

IDA: I am!

Southern Calvin dismisses Ida with an eye roll.

LOUISE: Yeah. What happens if we all struggle or get sick or just have an off week at any time this year?

CHAIRMAN: That’s easy. Whoever screwed up earlier in the year wins.

FLO: Why?

CHAIRMAN: Because what happens at the end counts most.

LOUISE: So shouldn’t we forget all these weekly evaluations and just tally everything up at the end of the year?

FLO: Then your true top performer will get a shot at being Number 1.

IDA: Even me?

FLO: Sure, what the hell. Then I could finally wipe the floor with you and shut your pie hole.

Ida not so discreetly rubs the side of her nose with her middle finger. Bucky gives her an encouraging wink.

CHAIRMAN: Enough! Now, listen up, because this is how this is going to work and I’m not going to repeat it again. Me, the consultants, the customers and the custodial staff are going to rank order all of you every week. HR is going to enter all the data into the computer and the software will generate the final – and therefore flawless – evaluation. At that point whoever is Number 1 and Number 2 will have the chance for the big bonus.

LOUISE: But…

CHAIRMAN: I can’t think of a more fair or simple process people. Business is complex and nuanced. It’s not like we’re playing football and I can just let you play each other for it!