ESPN STUDIOS, BRISTOL, CT – DAY

The set is dressed up like the bedroom of a spoiled 12-year old girl. Stuart Scott sits on the edge of the bed as the cameras roll…

STU: What up, and welcome back to ESPN Slumber Party. I’m your host Stuart Scott. Today, like always, we’re going to talk about all the coolest cats in sports and why we think they are so cool. And you know these fellas have got something to say about it! From ESPN Radio’s “Mike and Mike in the Morning”, Mike Greenberg.

The panelists sit cross-legged on the floor. Greenie smiles big and waves.

STU: From the Philadelphia Inquirer, the always opinionated Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. glares into the camera sternly.

STU: And this guy is just bananas, yo. From the hot movie Sicko, filmmaker Michael Moore!

Moore nods and looks around uncomfortably.

STU: Michael, you ready to mix it up with these guys?

MOORE: Uh, sure. Could I get a chair or something?

A John Mayer song blares over the speakers.

STU: No, you can’t get a chair Michael, but you know what that song means!

MOORE: No.

STU: It’s time to play “Love,” Marry or Kill!

Greenie pumps his fist.

GREENIE: Yes!

Stephen A. turns his head just enough to glare at Greenie.

STU: Alright, you know how this works. I name three of today’s hottest athletes and you all tell me which one you would “Love,” which one you would Marry and which one you would Kill.

MOORE: Pardon?

STU: Barry Bonds, Michael Vick and Derek Jeter. Stephen A.?

STEPHEN A: This is not even an issue for debate. I would “love” Derek Jeter – obviously. I would marry Barry Bonds and unfortunately I would have to kill Michael Vick due to his recent errors in judgment as related to the canine species.

STU: Greenie, you’re shaking your head.

GREENIE: Stu, I disagree. I mean, yes, I would “love” Jeter…

Stu nods indicating “obviously.”

GREENIE: But I would marry Vick because if I were married to him I know I could get him to stop hurting dogs and then he would be perfect.

STU: I like that Greenie.

Stephen A. scowls. Moore is uncomfortable.

STU: What do you say Michael?

MOORE: Uh. Well…I don’t…I don’t think I know how to answer that.

STEPHEN A: I told you the answer. There is nothing more to say on the matter.

STU: Alright Mike, you get a pass on that one because it’s time for…Truth or Dare!

MOORE: Oh God.

STU: Stephen A., Truth or Dare?

STEPHEN A: Truth.

STU: How many of Shaq’s movies have you seen?

GREENIE: Oooooohhh.

STEPHEN A: Please. I have no problem answering that whatsoever. All of them.

GREENIE: Even Kazaam?

STEPHEN A: I have a tattoo of Shaq as Kazaam on my left butt cheek.

STU: Holla!

MOORE: I really should be going.

STU: Not so fast dude. Truth or Dare?

Moore sighs.

MOORE: Truth.

STU: What current athlete would you most like to have dinner with?

MOORE: Uh, I don’t know, Ivan Rodriguez.

GREENIE: What?!

MOORE: Well, I grew up in Flint, Michigan and the Tigers have always been…

GREENIE: Bo-ring. Who is he even married to?

MOORE: I don’t know. Who cares? He’s gonna be a Hall of Famer.

STEPHEN A (mocking): Who cares, he’s gonna be a Hall of Famer.

STU: No disrespect to Pudge, but dude is like so ten years ago. Alright Greenie, Truth or Dare?

GREENIE: Dare.

STU: I dare you to kiss Michael for five seconds.

MOORE: I don’t think so. You know what, I don’t need anymore ticket sales.

GREENIE: What, I’ll do it. I don’t even care.

MOORE: I’m walking…

STU: Alright, settle down, we’ll switch it up. Greenie, I dare you to make a prank phone call.

GREENIE: To who?

STEPHEN A: Golic.

GREENIE: No way.

STU: Yeah, Greenie, I dare you to prank call your radio partner Mike Golic.

Stew passes Greenie a desk phone.

GREENIE: This is not cool.

Stephen A. flaps his arms and clucks like a chicken.

STEPHEN A: Bick-aw!

GREENIE: Oh, alright.

Greenie punches up a number on speaker phone.

GOLIC’S VOICE: Hello.

Greenie holds his finger up for everyone to be quiet. He uses a fake deep voice.

GREENIE: Hello, uh, is this Mike Golic?

GOLIC’S VOICE: Yes.

GREENIE: Hey Mike, this is Andy Reid, head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Stu is biting his arm trying not to laugh. Moore is speechless.

GOLIC’S VOICE: Coach Reid? Hi.

GREENIE: Mike, I’ll get right to it. We need you to come out of retirement and play for the Eagles.

Stephen A. is rolling on the floor in hysterics.

GOLIC’S VOICE: Come on. What are you talking about?

GREENIE: We’ve been looking at some old tapes over here and we’re convinced, you’re our only hope for getting back to the Super Bowl.

Stu snorts a laugh.

GOLIC’S VOICE: What was that?

Greenie mutes the phone.

GREENIE: Shut up guys. You’ll ruin it.

STU: Okay, okay. We’re good.

GOLIC’S VOICE: Hello?

GREENIE: Yeah, uh, so we’re gonna need you to get to camp right away. What do you think? Will you help us out?

GOLIC’S VOICE: I’ll do it!

Stu, Stephen A and Greenie burst into laughter.

GOLIC’S VOICE: Oh, damn it! Real funny Greenie! I hope you’re having a good time with your cool friends.

GREENIE: Mike, come on…

CLICK!

GREENIE: Crap. He’s mad.

STU: He’ll get over it. That was hilarious dog.

MOORE: Guys, listen, this is fun and everything, but can I just say a couple of things about my movie and the healthcare system in America and be on my way?

Stephen A. shakes his head in disgust.

STU: Have at it my man.

MOORE: Thanks. I just want to say that I love this country and I think…

Out of nowhere, Stu cracks Moore across the face with a pillow.

STU: Boo-yah!

GREENIE: Pillow fight!

They all grab pillows.

MOORE: Oh, I am gonna go Castro on your ass!

They giggle and chase each other.

STU: That’s our show. See you next time on ESPN Slumber Party when we stick John Clayton’s hand in a glass of warm water!