| By:
Patrick Irving
7/13/2007
A while back, Kobe Bryant insisted that his Los Angeles Laker teammate Shaquille O’Neal be shipped out of town. Now, coming off the heels of yet another season spent floundering in mediocrity (and a year after Shaq won himself a ring in Miami), Bryant claims he never made such a demand. In fact, just a few weeks ago, he was so despondent over the mess that management has made of his team that he lobbied to be traded. Later that same day, as the media frenzy mounted, he recanted and insisted that he wanted to remain a Laker forever. Then a few weeks after that he ranted about his bosses to some random dudes, who ended up broadcasting the tirade on the Internet. After more criticism, he eventually apologized. Got all that?
Basically, Kobe does whatever it takes to get what he wants because he knows it’s the right decision – until he realizes it isn’t the right decision. In which case, it wasn’t his idea anyway. That makes perfect sense…
TRENDY RESTAURANT, LOS ANGELES, CA – NIGHT
Kobe Bryant and his young female Publicist enter a trendy Los Angeles restaurant.
PUBLICIST: Thanks again for agreeing to meet with me Kobe. As your publicist, I’m a little concerned about some recent, um, events.
KOBE: My pleasure. I think we’re all good, though.
PUBLICIST: Well, I’m not too sure about that. I’m worried that you’re developing a reputation for being petulant or even a little schizo…
She is interrupted by the excited restaurant Host.
HOST: Kobe Bryant! In my restaurant! What a thrill! I’ve got the VIP table for you in the back.
KOBE: Where no one will see me? I’d really prefer this table by the window.
HOST: Of course. But Mr. Bryant, you will probably be interrupted quite a bit by fans and well-wishers.
KOBE: That’s fine.
HOST: Of course.
He leads them to their seats.
HOST: Can I get you a nice bottle of champagne to start with?
KOBE: That would be great.
The Host goes off as a Young Couple approach the table.
MAN: Excuse me, Kobe, I’m sorry to bother you, but could we get a quick picture?
KOBE: Absolutely. I can always make time for my fans.
Kobe stands to pose with the Man as the Woman aims the camera.
WOMAN: Oh shoot, the button’s stuck again.
KOBE: Here let me try.
WOMAN: Oh, no, it’s tricky, you’ve got to…
Kobe smashes the camera on the side of the table.
MAN: Oh, hey, no, I don’t think that…
Kobe smashes it again, sending pieces of the camera all over the place.
KOBE: There we go. All fixed.
MAN: You broke it.
KOBE: I did not.
WOMAN: You just smashed it on the table.
KOBE: You did.
WOMAN: This is unbelievable.
They storm off. Kobe turns to his Publicist.
KOBE: Can you believe that?
PUBLICIST: Well, gee Kobe, I don’t know, it seems like…
A Waiter approaches.
WAITER: Excuse me sir are you ready to order?
KOBE: Ready to order?! I haven’t even had a chance to think. I’m getting harassed by everyone in here. What’s with sticking me at this table right in the middle of everything?
WAITER: Um, I, uh…
KOBE: Tell that boss of yours that he’s a joke. It is an absolute embarrassment that he sat me here.
WAITER: Okay, so, um, would you like to order?
KOBE: We’ll both have the chicken.
WAITER: Very good sir.
KOBE: Medium rare.
WAITER: Pardon?
KOBE: Did I stutter? Medium rare.
WAITER: But sir…
PUBLICIST: Kobe, I don’t think you’re supposed to…
KOBE: Let me handle this.
He glares at the waiter.
WAITER: As you wish sir.
The Waiter slinks off.
KOBE: I swear, some people just can’t be reasoned with.
PUBLICIST: Maybe you just need a vacation or something.
The Host returns with a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice.
HOST: Mr. Bryant, the Waiter tells me you are not happy with the table…or perhaps with me, sir?
KOBE: What?! Ah, no, well, you know, I’m sorry about that. I’m sure you get that all the time, right?
The Host smiles uncomfortably as he prepares to uncork the champagne.
HOST: Of course, sir.
KOBE: Oh, hold on a minute. What are you doing?
HOST: Opening your champagne Mr. Bryant.
KOBE: You’ve got to shake it up first.
PUBLICIST: Kobe, no…
KOBE: Yeah, that’s how you get the bubbles.
HOST: With apologies, I think the bubbles are already in there.
Kobe narrows his eyes.
KOBE: Shake it up.
The Host drops his head.
HOST: Of course Mr. Bryant.
The Host shakes the champagne as the Publicist ducks for cover. He pops the cork and it explodes everywhere. Kobe jumps up screaming.
KOBE: What the hell is the matter with you?!
HOST: Mr. Bryant, I’m sorry, but perhaps you should not have told me to shake up the bottle.
KOBE: What?! I did no such thing. This is an outrage.
PUBLICIST: Kobe, maybe we should just go?
KOBE: No, not yet. This chicken is the best in town.
The Waiter sets two plates of pink chicken down on the table.
KOBE: Trust me.
PUBLICIST: I want a raise.
FADE OUT: |
