MOVIE THEATER, ANYTOWN, USA – NIGHT

The lights go down, the projector crackles and the Coming Attractions appear on the screen.

Cue the jazzy score with slick horns and cool baseline… BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

…then the familiar baritone of the Movie Voiceover Guy.

VOICEOVER: Coming soon, from the people who brought you the Ocean’s 11 films…When this summer heats up, the world’s coolest stars will be up to their old tricks again.

Derek Jeter suits up near a locker.

JETER: You boys ready for this?

Across the room, David Ortiz winks and smiles.

VOICEOVER: And this time it counts…Again…For real.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Jeter, in a dapper suit sans tie, addresses a room full of American League All-Stars.

JETER: It’s going to be dangerous, so if you aren’t up for it you can leave now. No hard feelings.

Justin Morneau raises his hand.

MORNEAU: Don’t we just have to win the game?

Everyone sneers at the kid’s ignorance, particularly Pudge Rodriguez.

PUDGE: Who invited this kid?

MORNEAU: Hey, I’m the reigning MVP!

Pudge lunges at Morneau, but is held back by the others.

JETER: Hey, come on Pudge. He’s alright.

PUDGE: Sorry. I’m just frustrated.

MORNEAU: I don’t get it.

VOICEOVER: Because this time it’s personal.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Jeter, Ortiz and Morneau stand solemnly over Commissioner Bud Selig, unconscious in his bed.

JETER: Barry Bonds hijacked his All-Star game – and it broke his heart.

MORNEAU: How? He forced Bud to play the game in San Francisco?

ORTIZ: No. That was Bud’s idea.

MORNEAU: Oh. Then you mean he forced Bud to put him on the National League roster?

JETER: No, the fans voted him in.

MORNEAU: So, what did…?

JETER: He agreed to play.

MORNEAU: Son of a…I want in!

JETER: You’re in kid.

MORNEAU: I mean I want to be a starter.

Jeter and Ortiz smirk at one another.

MORNEAU: I’m an MVP!

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Jeter and his All-Stars are back in their planning room.

VOICEOVER: But before they can get revenge, they have to come up with a plan.

JETER: We need to steal the Spotlight away from Bonds. Step one: One of us wins the Home Run Derby – with flair. Manny, you up for it?

Manny Ramirez lounges on a nearby couch.

MANNY: Nah.

MORNEAU: I got it.

Everyone rolls their eyes.

MORNEAU: What?!

JETER: Step two: One of us creates an outrageous headline of our own.

A-Rod trots in.

A-ROD: I just hit every strip club within fifty miles of the Bay Area.

Grady Sizemore gives him a high-five.

JETER: Step three: We win the game.

ORTIZ: Can we really pull all this off?

JETER: We have to. For Bud.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

VOICEOVER: But it won’t be easy, because Bonds won’t stop begging for attention.

Barry Bonds runs away from a pack of Reporters.

BONDS: I told you I have no comment. Can’t you find something else to talk about?

VOICEOVER: And his team of National League All-Stars have an agenda of their own.

A Reporter interviews Prince Fielder.

REPORTER: Would you rather win this game or see Barry Bonds drowned at the bottom of McCovey Cove?

FIELDER: Uh…win the game?

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Derek Jeter sips a martini as a Hot Babe hangs off each arm.

VOICEOVER: Starring Derek Jeter as the Captain…

A-Rod approaches with a cosmo.

VOICEOVER: …Alex Rodriguez as the Flashier but Ultimately Less Charismatic Sidekick…

The Hot Babes shy away from him.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

David Ortiz poses for photographs with a nice Family from the Midwest.

VOICEOVER: …David Ortiz as the Endearing Black Man with a Charming Accent…

ORTIZ: I love you all!

The Family cheers and hugs him.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Morneau chases after Jeter and A-Rod.

VOICEOVER: …Justin Morneau as the Kid...

MORNEAU: Come on guys, let me do it.

JETER: He thinks he can do it.

A-ROD: Do you think he can do it?

JETER: I’m not sure he can do it.

A-ROD: We’re not sure you can do it.

MORNEAU: Come on!

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Jeter and A-Rod stand in front of a locker. An annoyed Ichiro Suzuki peeks his head out of the tight space.

JETER: You fit fine.

A-ROD: It will really startle Barry when you jump out of his locker. Plus, it will be hilarious.

VOICEOVER: ...and Ichiro Suzuki as the Little Asian Guy.

Ichiro extricates himself from the locker and storms off.

JETER: What’s the big deal?

ICHIRO: Taikyoku oushikuso!

The subtitle translation reads, “This is some bull----!”

A-ROD: Plan B?

JETER: Plan B.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Bud Selig lies half-conscious with drool streaming down his chin.

VOICEOVER: With Bud Selig as the Lovable Old Guy Who Has Lost a Step…

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Bonds lights a cigar with a hundred dollar bill.

VOICEOVER: …And Barry Bonds as Himself.

BONDS: I don’t see what’s not to like.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum, BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-bum-bum...

Jeter and A-Rod sit at a bar.

JETER: Do we need another pitcher?

A-Rod just stares straight ahead.

JETER: You think we need another pitcher.

A-Rod takes a sip of his drink.

JETER: I’ll get one more pitcher.

BUM, BUM, ba-da-da-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Fade to title card.

VOICEOVER: Jeter’s Nine! Coming this summer!