CONVENTION CENTER, WILMINGTON, DE – NIGHT

Chip and Dale – two well-coifed and dapper TV personalities – sit at a news desk set up at one end of the half-full arena.

CHIP: Good Evening everyone and welcome back to beautiful Wilmington, Delaware and Day 10 of the Uninspiring Big Company Entry-Level Draft. I’m Chip Chipperton.

DALE: And I’m Dale Dalingham. Tonight we continue our journey to find out where the tens of thousands of college graduates without any well-formed – or well-executed – career plans end up in this giant crapshoot to determine exactly where they start the long, slow, soul-crushing death march to middle management.

CHIP: I can’t wait to find out Dale!

DALE: Me neither Chip. Let’s go to the stage for the next pick!

Up on stage, the Announcer reads a card.

ANNOUNCER: With the 12,129th pick, Consolidated Data Corp. selects…Jim Sanders, Central Michigan University.

Jim, dressed in khakis and blue blazer, walks to the stage and shakes the Announcer’s hand. He smiles for a picture as he is presented a cubicle nameplate of his very own.

CHIP: That’s a little bit of a surprise, don’t you think?

DALE: I wouldn’t necessarily call it a surprise for this stage in the draft. This guy’s got a respectable 3.1 GPA; plus he was Treasurer of his fraternity.

CHIP: That’s pretty solid. But he must have his weaknesses.

DALE: Well according to his pre-draft interview, he says his biggest weakness is that he works too hard. He just cares too much about doing a good job.

CHIP: Well, if you’ve got to have a weakness, that’s not a bad one to have. Ooh, here he is, let’s try to get an interview. Jim! Jim!

Jim joins Chip and Dale.

CHIP: Congratulations on the big job. Today must be a dream come true.

JIM: Yeah. Uh, thanks. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve dreamed of overseeing the processing of paychecks for large and mid-size companies.

DALE: How are you gonna spend that big signing bonus? Get yourself some new wheels maybe?

JIM: Well, it’s actually a voucher for reimbursement of 50% of my moving expenses. I think I’ll rent a U-Haul.

DALE: Nice.

CHIP: Well best of luck with everything Jim. Be sure to give all of your account information to the student loan folks on your way out.

JIM: Yeah. Thanks again.

DALE: Now let’s go to the next pick.

On the stage...

ANNOUNCER: U.S. Plumbing selects…Chris Feldman, College of Charleston.

CHIP: Whoa, now that one is a surprise!

DALE: It sure is Chip. U.S. Plumbing really went off the board with this one. This Feldman kid is a Comparative Dance major.

CHIP: They must still be a little gun-shy from their well publicized disaster from last year’s draft – Stacey Foster from Lafayette. Remember her?

DALE: Remember her?! How could I forget? She had solid grades; a decent internship; demonstrated strong leadership and communication skills.

CHIP: Yeah, then at her first happy hour she pounded two bottles of white wine, puked in her purse and tried to make out with a coat rack.

DALE: Hey, you scout these kids the best you can, but you never really know until they’re put to the test in live situations.

CHIP: I just got word that Chris Feldman was such a shock to go this early on that he isn’t even in the building. But we do have him on the phone. Chris, are you there?

MOM’S VOICE: Christopher, get on this phone right now!

FELDMAN’S VOICE: No! I’m not working at crappy U.S. Plumbing. I’m not selling toilets for the rest of my life!

MOM’S VOICE: Why, because you think you’re too good for it?! You’ll be in the offices anyway…doing spreadsheets and stuff.

FELDMAN’S VOICE: You don’t even know what you’re talking about!

MOM’S VOICE: Well I do know that you’re not lying around on my couch for the rest of your life!!!

FELDMAN’S VOICE: Come on!

The phone is slammed down.

CHIP: Well, it looks like we’re having a few technical problems there. Let’s go back for another pick.

On the stage…

ANNOUNCER: Casinoland Entertainment selects…Janet Wilson, State University of New York at Fredonia.

Janet bounds on stage jumping for joy.

CHIP: Well, it’s not easy to get excited about all of these companies, but, hey this one is pretty cool.

DALE: Oh, you said it Chip. Getting hooked up with a casino conglomerate with a Las Vegas headquarters? Yeah, that’s not a bad place for a 22 year-old to be.

ANNOUNCER: Janet, you’ll be happy to know this is a special fast track assignment at Casinoland’s brand new riverboat venture in Biloxi, Mississippi.

Janet stops celebrating.

CHIP: Ooh, tough break.

DALE: You know who knows about tough breaks? Projected first-round draft pick Dave Hilbert from Hamilton College.

CHIP: Oh, what a travesty. He sat in the Green Room for six straight days, but no one picked him.

CHIP: This is a kid with straight A’s, sparkling resume and recommendations; clearly he is capable…

DALE: But one credit short of graduation.

CHIP: Yeah, those are the breaks Dale. Big companies like this would never risk hiring a kid without that sheepskin. Oh, here comes the next pick.

ANNOUNCER: North American Bank selects…Bill Dixon, Xavier.

Bill excitedly springs onto the stage.

CHIP: That’s a nice choice.

DALE: And a nice place for this kid to land. Banks are always solid. Good pay; great benefits; and even the relatives will be impressed.

Bill shakes hands with the Announcer who hands him not a cubicle nameplate, but a name tag.

DALE: Uh-oh.

ANNOUNCER: Congratulations, you’ll be an assistant manager at one of North American’s many full service branches.

BILL: What?! I have a Bachelor’s Degree. I have to wear a name tag to work?

ANNOUNCER: They blend right in with the new uniforms.

BILL: Uniforms?!

CHIP: Ouch. But, hey, that’s how this thing goes sometimes. What can you do?

DALE: He should have gone to grad school.