By: Patrick Irving
6/5/2008

This week marks the 98th anniversary of the death of William Sydney Porter, better known to the world as O. Henry. No, he did not write about sports, but the former disgruntled banker did influence countless others who occasionally do (or at least one I know of anyway).

O. Henry’s short stories such as “The Gift of the Magi” and “The Ransom of Red Chief” are treasure troves of irony, wit and, of course, his famous twist endings. It’s little wonder where he found his inspiration…

EXCERPTS FROM THE DIARY OF O. HENRY, AGE 12

12 April, 1875
Now, everyone knows that a dog is a man’s best friend, but my father has little regard for conventional wisdom. While he claims to be a caring parent intent on raising me well, his actions consistently reveal that he is more inclined to inject my life with inequity.

This was especially true last evening when I desired my best friend Rex to accompany me in my bedroom as I hunkered down to slay a particularly formidable arithmetic assignment.

“No,” my father scolded, “That wild beast will be the undoing of your studies.”

Colder and more inaccurate words were never spoken, for how could a kind-hearted boy like me possibly concentrate on his schoolwork while his best friend suffered outdoors in the worst storm of the season?

So, after my father laid his head down for the night, I rescued Rex from the elements and lodged him with me in my den. Then, with my trusted friend at my side, I gleefully disproved the old man’s cruel charge and conquered any and all mathematical problem.

It was not until I awoke this morning that I spied the folly of my youthful ways and the wisdom of my father’s warning. My dog had eaten my homework.



13 April, 1875
Of course, my teacher coldly dismissed the explanation of my missing assignment, and detained me long after the bell released my classmates to a much anticipated birthday party. To me, this was punishment enough because the angelic Mary Madison was to be among the revelers, and all I ask from this life is the opportunity to be in her presence. But now I had missed my chance. Or so I thought.

Because now this poor boy whose pet knows no gratitude and whose teacher appreciates no irony has learned of the latter’s plan for an additional act of contrition. I am hereby sentenced to offer my services to a local merchant each afternoon for the next two weeks. These are certain to be the worst days of my life. Or so I thought.

For at that moment the door opened and my master for the coming fortnight presented himself to me. It was none other than Mr. William Madison, father to the enchanting Mary.



20 April, 1875
How lovely are life’s twists of fate! But I have not told you the rest. For after a full week of sweeping and mopping her father’s floors, my angel Mary has not even once looked in my direction. Each day she sits in the corner with her studies blissfully unaware of my existence.

Today I could take no more of this torture. Surely, my life would have no meaning if Mary did not speak to me. But I have not told you the rest.

I mustered my courage and bounded gaily across the shop, intent on impressing her with my charm and grace. But instead I tripped on my adolescent feet and upended my mop bucket, unleashing a torrent of murky water onto the object of my affection.

“I’m telling the whole school what a freak you are,” my angel said to me.



30 April, 1875
Mary’s report of the unfortunate incident at her father’s store has been augmented by lies so vile they would redden the cheeks of even the saltiest sailor. My angel has a devilish streak.

But I have little free time to ponder her character, or do much of anything at all, because my new-found unpopularity has me ducking bullying enthusiasts from all ends of town. Today my torment reached a climax as I was chased into an alley. Cornered like the rodent they believed me to be, I had no recourse but to scream out – in vain I assumed because now I had not an ally in the world.

But at that moment, when I believed all was lost, it was the bullies who shrieked in agony and fled in terror. I was rescued by my best friend Rex.

FADE OUT:

Did you like that? Then you've got to read THIS!