HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM, NEW YORK, NY – DAY

Smiling faces pack uncomfortable aluminum chairs as MLB Commissioner Bud Selig takes the stage.

SELIG: Welcome one and all to the First Annual Major League Baseball Spelling Bee. Why? Because even this is more interesting than watching our draft on TV.

Light chuckles.

SELIG: But seriously, this will be a wonderful showcase for our many talented and charismatic stars. So, without further ado, here are tonight’s celebrity judges: Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News…

Lupica nods and holds up a copy of his latest book as the Audience applauds politely.

SELIG: Next, from those hilarious Geico commercials and soon to be hit TV show, Caveman #1.
Caveman #1 smiles and winks to raucous cheers.

SELIG: And finally, the original celebrity’s celebrity, the Ghost of the just-deceased Charles Nelson Reilly!

The applause gives way to murmurs as the translucent Ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly adjusts his neckerchief.

REILLY’S GHOST: My goodness, I haven’t seen a crowd this spooked since Brett Somers learned how to belly dance.

SELIG: You still got it Chuck. Alright, Mike, they’re all yours.

Lupica holds his book triumphantly over his head as Barry Bonds lumbers to the microphone.

LUPICA:: Barry, your word is “tainted.”

Selig turns to an Assistant.

SELIG: Damn it! Who booked this showboat?!

BONDS: Could I have it in a sentence?

LUPICA:: Sure. “Because of the wide-spread use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs, the last 10 to 20 years of statistics are tainted. Tainted.”

Selig’s mouth is agape.

REILLY’S GHOST: Oh, and here I thought you were talking about Dick Dawson’s hot tub.

Bonds doesn’t seem to be paying attention; he is texting on his Blackberry.

LUPICA:: Are you going to give us your answer Barry?

BONDS: I just did. You’ll have to read it on my website.

Err! goes the horn.

Bonds shrugs and walks off as Elijah Dukes takes his place at the microphone.

SELIG: Hey Lupica, no more picking your own words.

Lupica nods as he lovingly strokes his book.

LUPICA:: Elijah, your word is “daffodil.”

SELIG: That’s more like it.

DUKES: Could I have it in a sentence?

LUPICA:: Sure. “The disgraceful way in which you have threatened physical harm to your estranged wife makes me sick to my stomach – so sick in fact that friends should send me flowers; perhaps a daffodil. Daffodil.”

SELIG: Oh, come on!

Gary Sheffield bounds on the stage.

SHEFFIELD: Hold up. I think this young man could use my guidance.

CAVEMAN #1: First of all, I’m not 100% in love with your tone right now.

The audience obediently erupts in cheers; Caveman #1 soaks it in.

SHEFFIELD: What?!

CAVEMAN #1: Huh?

SHEFFIELD: What did you just say to me?

CAVEMAN #1: Uh, nothing. Nothing.

Caveman #1 slinks down in his chair as Sheffield stares him down.

LUPICA:: Sheff, you can take Elijah’s place, but you get a new word.

SHEFFIELD: Whatever.

LUPICA:: Your word is “Irony.”

SHEFFIELD: Ah, screw y’all. I don’t need this. I’m a grown-ass man.

Err!

Sheffield escorts his young friend off the stage. Selig intercepts Jason Giambi as he approaches the microphone.

SELIG: Jason, do not ask for a sentence. Do you understand me?

GIAMBI: Absolutely.

SELIG: Are you sure?

GIAMBI: Of course.

LUPICA:: Jason, your word is “pterodactyl.”

Selig treats himself to a glass of water.

GIAMBI: I’d like to go back to Barry’s word please.

Selig spits the water everywhere.

LUPICA:: Pardon?

GIAMBI: I’d like to revisit “tainted” please.

Selig runs out on stage and blasts an airhorn. Err!

SELIG: Whoops! Times up.

He drags Giambi off by the ear.

GIAMBI: What?! You said…ow…ow!

SELIG: You are such an…Uh-oh.

Lou Piniella walks to the stage.

LUPICA:: Lou, your word is “Restraint.”

PINIELLA: That’s funny. He’s a funny guy.

Selig gestures uneasily for Piniella to keep his cool.

PINIELLA: Okay, funny guy, how ‘bout using it in a sentence?

No response.

PINIELLA: Hello?

Lupica is passionately kissing and fondling his book.

REILLY’S GHOST: I’ll give you a sentence skipper: “Loser Lou was such a loser he didn’t know restraint from his Blank. Restraint.”

Piniella practically has smoke pouring out of his ears.

SELIG: Easy now Lou. We’re on national television.

PINIELLA: It’s no problem. I’m a big boy. Let’s see, Restraint: R-E-S-T-…

A yell from back-stage.

VOICE: A!!!

Err!

PINIELLA: But I didn’t…oh!...that little…

A-Rod emerges giggling. Lou chucks the microphone stand at him.

A-ROD: Come on Lou, that’s part of the game.

Piniella charges A-Rod, kicking and bumping and throwing his hat. He pulls dirt out of his pocket, throws it to the ground and kicks it all over A-Rod and then the judges.

SELIG: This is a disaster! Quick, do we have anything to air in its place?

ASSISTANT: We have that pilot episode of National Baseball Bingo Night.

SELIG: We do? Who hosted that?

And from out of nowhere…

PETE ROSE: Me!

SELIG: S-H-I-…

Err!