By: Patrick Irving
5/24/2008

“Nobody has the numbers yet…And until it’s over, it’s not over.”

-- Senator Hillary Clinton, mathematically incapable of winning the majority of elected delegates but soldiering on in her bid for the Democratic presidential nomination.

HILLARY CLINTON ADDRESSES THE WASHINGTON GENERALS AT HALFTIME OF THEIR MOST RECENT CONTEST AGAINST THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS

Alright! Woo-hoo! Yes! Give yourselves a hand. Wow. What an exciting first half! And they said you guys didn’t have a chance. Well, I bet they’re feeling pretty silly now, huh?

Because once again, you, the Washington Generals are on the cusp of victory.

Why are you shaking your heads? No, no, get those chins up. This is right where you want to be. Sure, you're not quite over the hump yet, but you're barely trailing and…

…What’s that you say? Well, okay, a deficit of 185 points is a lot to make up. But, don’t forget they were once up by 187 points. The Washington Generals have the momentum! And you’re going to ride that momentum all the way to victory. Am I right?!

I said, Am I right?!

Can you fellas hear me in the back? Super.

You know, I heard an interesting statistic today. It turns out the Washington Generals have scored more points against the Harlem Globetrotters than any other team in history. Yeah. Not too shabby. It sounds to me like you have their number.

Look, don’t let the naysayers get you down. You have every right to go out there and keep fighting. And you have every right to believe you’re gonna win!

Don’t listen to those know-nothing pundits and reporters and columnists and announcers and spectators and cheerleaders and coaches and referees and family and friends. You deserve to win this thing! You will win this thing!

Why are you laughing? You don’t believe me? Look, I’ll show you. Here, take this ball of tape and throw it in that wastebasket.

Go ahead; do it.

Congratulations! There’s two more points for the Generals right there.

Oh, I’m as serious as a heart attack, kiddo. Go ahead; do it again.

Two points!

See, you guys are closing the gap already…

Yes, of course they count. Why would they not count? You made the basket, didn’t you?

It’s not your problem that the Globetrotters aren’t in here to play defense. Right?

Right?

Guys, could you turn the video games off for a second? Thanks.

I care passionately about tonight’s contest because this is such a critical time for our country. I mean, can you really expect hard-working Americans to embrace a team named the Harlem Globetrotters?

Globetrotters? I say we have enough problems of our own to worry about right here in America. Now who’s with me?!

Thank you sir.

Globetrotters. Sheesh. Not to mention Harl…uh…what I mean is, the American people want to root for one of their own – if you know what I’m saying.

Your work ethic and mastery of the basic fundamentals are going to carry you to victory. There’s no way a bunch of show-boating elitists can win.

I mean, really…they threw water at the fans! Okay, it turned out to be confetti, but isn’t that worse? It smacks of disrespect. And the people won’t stand for it.

Yes, many of them did seem to enjoy it, but…aghhh!!!...

Listen to me! The people want the sure, steady team from Washington to get out there and throw chest passes until their arms fall off. That’s the America I believe in. And I’m not about to stand here and let it get taken away by a bunch of high-flying, crowd-pleasing, awe-inspiring jerks.

And neither should you. So you get out there and do everything possible to derail this train. Push; shove; kick – do anything to bloody them up. That’s how you play basketball!

Yeah, that’s right. Stand up. Get excited. Now, are you ready to get out there and win? Can we bring this thing home?!

Yes We Can!...

...Uh, I mean…oh...sh*t.

FADE OUT:

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