WFAN STUDIO, NEW YORK, NY – DAY

Mike Francessa and Chris “Mad Dog” Russo settle into their radio studio as their popular “Mike and the Mad Dog” radio broadcast returns from a commercial break.

MIKE: I don’t know Dog. Big series this week with Boston. Big series. Huge.

CHRIS: Oh, this is it Mike. If the Yankees don’t get a sweep here, it’s sayonara season.

Chris cackles.

MIKE: Well, I don’t know about sweep. They really need two out of three, though.

CHRIS: You’re right Mike. You’re absolutely right. They might not need the sweep but definitely two out of three or it’s – hey, let’s face it – it’s over.

MIKE: Not over. But they’ll be in one heck of a deep hole.

CHRIS: Exactly. They might not be done completely, but they’ll really be in trouble.

MIKE: A lot of trouble.

CHRIS: Oh absolutely Mike.

MIKE: So now we’ve got a guy here on the phone who probably agrees with that – he might not like it, but he probably agrees with it.

CHRIS: No he definitely does not like it.

MIKE: Dog likes it, but he doesn’t.

Chris is cackling.

MIKE: We’re joined on the phone by Ron Guidry’s Mustache. How are you doin’ today?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Great guys. Great to be with you.

A monitor in the studio display’s the Mustache with the caption, “On the Air: Ron Guidry’s Mustache.”

CHRIS: We’ve been wanting to have you on for a while.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Thanks. I listen to the show all the time.

MIKE: Now it’s interesting, I notice you don’t have the same Cajun accent as Gator.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: No, I’m actually a Tar Heel myself. Gator and I met up in my hometown of Kinston when he was just starting out in the Carolina league.

CHRIS: Oh, really? I didn’t realize that Mike.

MIKE: Me neither Dog. Me neither.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Yeah, he had great stuff, but he was real raw, you know? I think I helped him mature a little. Maybe helped with his confidence.

CHRIS: Sure, a scared young kid; probably the first time away from home – a nice mustache has to help.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: I did what I could. Kept him out of trouble. Introduced him to a few local girls – that actually got him right into trouble.

MIKE: Oh boy. I bet you have some stories.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: That was a long time ago Mike.

CHRIS: I bet you wish you were still in those carefree days, huh? Nothing like the mess you’re in today. What is going on with these pitchers of yours?

MIKE: It’s disturbing. It’s like a MASH unit out there.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Well, I...

CHRIS: Ah-ha! Oh, yes Mike. You said it. Absolutely. Yeah, who’s pitching next Hawkeye Pierce?

Chris is cracking himself up.

MIKE: Well, no Dog, Hawkeye was a doctor, not one of the infirmed.

CHRIS: Oh, you’re right Mike. Absolutely right. My mistake on that one.

MIKE: Great show though.

CHRIS: Oh, incredible show. And the movie, too.

MIKE: I didn’t see the movie.

CHRIS: Neither did I.

MIKE: Mike and the Mad Dog here with Ron Guidry’s Mustache, Roy – but you never really hear anyone call you Roy though do we?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: No, it’s usually just Guidry’s Mustache or GM.

CHRIS: Uh-oh, what does Cashman think about that?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: I don’t think he minds.

MIKE: Of course that’s Yankee GM Brian Cashman we’re talking about.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Don’t worry, I don’t think Brian feels threatened by me.

CHRIS: Oh no? No desire to sit in that hot seat, huh?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Um, no thank you. It’s hot enough under Gator’s nose these days. The guy’s practically breathing fire.

MIKE: So the season is troubling him.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Of course. He’s a competitor. We all are.

CHRIS: Is Clemens the answer to all your problems? Because I don’t see it.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: No, of course not, but he’s certainly going to help. We feel he can give us six or seven quality innings every time out.

CHRIS: But that doesn’t help your bullpen situation?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Those guys have had a lot of work. There’s no doubt about that. All things considered, I think they’ve done a decent job.

MIKE: So you need the other pitchers to step up?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: We have a lot of ground to make up, so we need everyone in top form.

CHRIS: Including Mariano?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Of course. He just needs to get in that groove.

CHRIS: Bottom line is it’s just been a bad job by him so far.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Yes. We need Mo to be Mo for us to be successful.

MIKE: Have you spoken with him personally?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Sure we talk. But I try to stay out of Gator’s way with the player interactions. I do what I can breaking down film and compiling scouting reports. Those are my real strengths.

CHRIS: So when you and Guidry go out to the mound, you don’t say anything?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Nah. Well, once in a while if we need a little levity on the mound during a conference I’ll crack a joke, but…

MIKE: Oh, like what?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: What do you call a beautiful woman with a mustache? Lucky.

Mike and Chris are cracking up.

MIKE: Well, I must say, it’s impressive that you can still have a little fun with all the pressure on you guys.

CHRIS: Aren’t you worried about losing your jobs?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Nah. You just can’t think about that stuff. We’ve been through rougher patches than this.

MIKE: Come on Dog. This guy and Guidry played under Billy Martin.

CHRIS: Oh yeah, that’s right. That’s right. I forgot about that.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: And one thing I think we learned from those days is you just have to go out and do your job. There are certain things you just can’t control.

MIKE: Billy certainly knew something about that.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Oh. There was this one time…oh I can’t.

MIKE: Oh come on.

CHRIS: Come on Roy, you can’t leave us like that – you’ve got to spill the beans.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: I remember one off-season, 1984, Billy had just been fired again.

MIKE: Billy Martin of course.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Right. Anyway, Gator always liked the guy – he was a hell of a guy, just a little you know, temperamental.

MIKE: To say the least.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Well, Ron wanted to cheer him up, so he thought, hey let’s go to AC for a weekend.

CHRIS: Hey, that’s always a good time. Especially with Billy I bet.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Yeah, well, so it’s me, Ron, Billy and Thunder Al…

MIKE: That was Billy’s Mustache.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Right. And a lot of people don’t realize this, but Billy wasn’t that much of a drinker himself.

CHRIS: Oh come on Roy!

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: No, it was Thunder Al. He was a mess. And he was real sloppy, so guess where most of the excess landed.

MIKE: Wow! Are you hearing this Dog?

CHRIS: I am but I don’t believe it.

MIKE: So what went down out there? You must have raised all kinds of hell.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Oh man. Well, that was a long time ago, too. Let’s just say I had to replace two plate glass windows and Gator was complaining about the smell of me for about three weeks.

MIKE: It’s amazing Billy had as much success as he did as a manager.

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: That’s what I’m saying. None of that impacted how Ron pitched in those days.

CHRIS: So are you saying that you don’t think Joe will be fired?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: I certainly hope he isn’t. He shouldn’t be.

CHRIS: But you’re off to this terrible start. You’re double digits back in the loss column to Boston – you’re not even playing .500 baseball. Doesn’t someone have to go? Aren’t the Yankees in serious trouble?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Sure, but firing Joe or Gator or promoting me or Donnie or whatever isn’t going to change anything. The bottom line is we’ve had some terrible injuries and now either the players step up and win or they don’t.

CHRIS: So, you don’t control the outcome of the season?

GUIDRY’S MUSTACHE: Come on guys. I’m just one mustache.