COURTROOM TV SET, BOSTON, MA – DAY

Audience members sit attentively in the back of the TV courtroom set, which looks like any of the other dozen TV courtroom sets on the air today. Mike D’Antoni stands at the “Plaintiff” podium and David Stern stands behind the “Defendant” placard across the aisle.

Bailiff / Red Sox Manager Terry “Tito” Francona stands at attention in front of the bench.

TITO: All rise. Curt Court is now in session; the honorable Curt Schilling presiding.

Curt Schilling – resplendent in his flowing robe – glides up to his thrown-like chair.

SCHILLING: Thanks Tito.

Tito smiles and awkwardly backs off to the side.

SCHILLING: Be seated.

As everyone settles in, Stern smirks in curiosity at the proceedings.

SCHILLING: Alright, Mr. D’Antoni, I see your complaint is that the defendant, Commissioner Stern sabotaged your team’s chances of advancing to the next round of the playoffs.

D'ANTONI: That’s correct

STERN: Excuse me?

SCHILLING: You’ll get your turn.

STERN: Listen Curt…

SCHILLING: It’s Judge Schilling – I think I’ve earned it

STERN: You did?

SCHILLING: That’s what the robe says.

STERN: This is ridiculous.

D'ANTONI: No, what’s ridiculous is you ruining the best series of the playoffs.

STERN: You and your players ruined it by not controlling yourselves.

The Audience ooohs.

D'ANTONI: Please. Robert Horry and Bruce Bowen are cheap shot artists. That shouldn’t be rewarded with suspensions of my guys. We take care of our business. You should take care of yours.

Ooooh.

Stern throws his arms up in the air.

SCHILLING: Alright, alright! Order in my court.

TITO: Y’all best be willing / to zip it for Judge Schilling.

SCHILLING: Good work Tito.

Tito nods.

D'ANTONI: This is unfair. My man Amare had no intention of getting into a fight.

STERN: You need to keep your man where he belongs.

D'ANTONI: Don’t you tell me how to treat my man.

STERN: Someone needs to.

D'ANTONI: Shoot. You think he’d rather listen to you?!

Oooooh.

STERN: He’s got no choice. He has to listen to me.

Gasp!

SCHILLING: I’ll be the Judge of that!

Schilling basks in some cheers from the Audience.

STERN: The NBA game is a premium product. We can’t take the chance of gaining a reputation for thuggery or fighting. Our corporate sponsors know that…

SCHILLING: Excuse me, but you can drop your sales pitch. There is no Schilling in my court room – except me of course!

STERN: Oh, brother, what do you do stand-up, too?

SCHILLING: As a matter of fact, I’ll be at the Giggle Garden next weekend…ladies half price.

STERN: Shouldn’t you just be worried about winning baseball games right now?

Tito smiles and shakes his head “yes” emphatically. Schilling whips his head around towards him and Tito goes stone face.

SCHILLING: If you don’t like how I judge, then why did you agree to have your dispute settled here?

STERN: I didn’t. I thought this was some stupid new Cold Pizza gimmick I got roped into.

D'ANTONI: I believe they renamed that show First Take.

STERN: What? Alright. Whatever. Who knows that kind of thing?

SCHILLING: Well, I’m their new weather man.

TITO: Oh, did I know about that because I, uh…

Schilling stares Tito silent.

SCHILLING: Listen, time is of the essence here so forgive me if I’m Curt.

He winks and gets the laughs he was after from the Audience.

SCHILLING: I need to get to my screen test for Spider Man 4.

Tito raises his hand as if concerned.

SCHILLING: What?

TITO: Nothing. Good luck with that.

SCHILLING: Tito, go get me a cookie or something, will ya?

TITO: You got it! Should I bring it whole or do you want me to chew it up for you?

SCHILLING: Surprise me.

Tito gives the thumbs up and dashes out.

SCHILLING: Now let’s get back to the lack of integrity and professionalism you two and your organizations have exhibited.

D’ANTONI and STERN: Now wait, just a…

SCHILLING: Mr. D’Antoni, allowing your players to leave the bench is an absolute disgrace to your sport. I’m physically ill just being in your presence.

D'ANTONI: Gee, tell me how you really feel.

SCHILLING: But Commissioner Stern, essentially rewarding the barbarism of the Spurs by ejecting two Suns players in the ensuing incident is also a disgrace. I am so disappointed that from now on I will equate simply uttering your name with the wretchedness of drowning a sack full of puppies.

Stern rolls his eyes and turns to his assistant in the Audience.

STERN: Pull the car around.

D'ANTONI: So, what’s the verdict?

SCHILLING: Both teams shall be required to forfeit the remaining games of the series and I, the honorable Curt Schilling, shall play against the Utah Jazz in the Conference Finals.

As Schilling bangs his gavel, Tito returns. Cookies spill from his mouth as he mumbles…

TITO: Oh crap.