By: Patrick Irving
5/10/2008

Problem: You are a bit of a cynical wiseass, but you’d still like to let your mother know how much you appreciate her this Sunday.

Solution…

YO MAMA – MOTHER’S DAY EDITION

Directions: Get together with your favorite sibling and volley some of these back and forth
(Note: make sure the woman who birthed you is within earshot).



Yo mama so nice, the Pope confesses to her

Yo mama so nice, she’s got a line of credit with Santa Claus

Yo mama so nice, she sent Hillary’s campaign five bucks yesterday

Yo mama so nice, she adopted Angelina Jolie

Yo mama so nice, she bought Oprah a new car

Yo mama so nice, Elton John re-wrote Candle in the Wind for her

Yo mama so nice, Bono brought her on tour

Yo mama so nice, people even sponsor her when she Walks the Dog

Yo mama so nice, Mother Theresa once called her a showboat

Yo mama so nice, she doesn’t snicker when Johnny Damon throws the ball in from leftfield




Yo mama so pretty, her briefcase has a number from 1 to 26 on the side of it

Yo mama so pretty, Brad Pitt is your new step-daddy

Yo mama so pretty, she went on the Today Show and ended up giving Matt and Meredith makeovers

Yo mama so pretty, Stevie Wonder can see her

Yo mama so pretty, she’s tolerated as a sideline reporter

Yo mama so pretty, people assume she’s stuck-up and mean (but she’s not)




Yo mama so sweet, she put 4 out of 5 dentists’ kids through college

Yo mama so sweet, she’s being sued by Mrs. Butterworth

Yo mama so sweet, when she recently appeared on the Today Show Al Roker tried to lick her

Yo mama so sweet, all the mosquitoes in her neighborhood are diabetic




Yo mama so patient, Nelson Mandela once called her a showboat

Yo mama so patient, she beat Dick Clark in a staring contest

Yo mama so patient, she sees Dr. Zhivago three times a week [Ed. Note: please give that one a chance…it works on a couple levels…trust me]

Yo mama so patient, she doesn’t smash the TV with a Louisville Slugger when Jason Giambi hits right into that ridiculous shift for the 500th consecutive time




Yo mama so smart, she gives all her answers in the form of a question

Yo mama so smart, her IQ is higher than Barry Zito’s ERA

Yo mama so smart, her IQ is higher than Josh Howard

Yo mama so smart, back in middle school Bill Gates gave HER a wedgie

Yo mama so smart, her MySpace friends include Booger, Wormser and Lamar Latrell

Yo mama so smart, she taught Stephen Hawking how to walk

Yo mama so smart, Pat Robertson thinks she’s a witch

Yo mama so smart, she doesn’t think Obama is a Muslim

Yo mama so smart, she wouldn’t care if he was a Muslim




Yo mama so understanding, she didn’t press charges against Al Roker for attempting to lick her during that recent Today Show appearance

Yo mama so understanding, she can make sense of what Paula Abdul is saying

Yo mama so understanding, she’s still taking Roger Clemens’ calls

Yo mama so understanding, she knows you love her…even if you don’t say it as often as you should

FADE OUT:

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