CHILD’S BEDROOM, BOSTON, MA – NIGHT

A Father tucks his child into bed.

CHILD: Tell me the story again. Please!

FATHER: You already know it. Everyone does.

CHILD: I know. Just once more. Then I’ll go right to sleep.

FATHER: Okay. One more time.

The Child settles in as the Father recites…

FATHER:

Once upon a time, in a land far away
The whole world was fighting each other all day
Winning was essential, and sought at all cost
And a battle avoided, was one surely lost

While calls to arms varied, each man knew one thing
Those who prevailed would get a shiny gold ring
Which granted entry to timeless paradise
Where sirens sing praises of their sacrifice

The kings of the day were obsessed with the quest
To the point that their actions led to unrest
They would panic and declare edicts with haste
Content to ignore safer choices they’d waste.

And of all the missteps these leaders would take
There was one oft repeated that none could shake
Just as their mighty army was off to work
They'd have to make room for the new hot shot Jerk.

Jerk was no soldier, despite his uniform
Word was out on him since his days in a dorm
While he did play the game and desired a ring
To him it was he who caused sirens to sing

But this Jerk had talent; they knew he could win
Despite his past and you-know-what-eating grin
He first fooled the good people of Viking land
Who were awed by his speed from boat to the sand

Intrigue by force of mighty hands he would show
Outweighed his wild past with the grass you can’t mow
Youthful mistakes were of no cause for alarm
They argued that he’d still do more good than harm

Jerk proudly puffed out his chest when all was well
But pushed friends aside if that all went to hell
And even when arch foes escaped to a dune
He’d just show off in the Bay and shoot the moon

Finally the Vikings realized their folly
And pulled a fast one on old Roger Jolly
The Norse stuck pirate Raiders with their fool’s gold
And the Jerk, once again, was feeling quite bold

Because misdeeds done once were a shame upon him
But next time around, the blame was with, um, thim
Who craved a shortcut and would do anything
To get a step closer to the prized golden ring

Those Raiders could live with a little turmoil
If the Jerk’s great powers could provide the oil
To grease the gears of a once mighty machine
That had won battles small, large and in-between

But despite a tough rep and menacing glare
The Raiders were weak and could no longer scare
The Jerk was expected to step in and save
But he stood aside counting the money they gave

These rogues weren’t the type to stand idly by
As an overpaid Jerk flung mud in their eye
So they tossed him over the side of the ship
And for once he seemed humble and lacked for a quip

The sharks circled ‘round as he bounced in the sea
And the Jerk screamed out one last desperate plea,
“I’ve learned my lesson; please, I’ll do the right thing
Just give me a chance to help you get that ring.”

And just as those great whites were prepared to dine
The Jerk was tossed out an unlikely lifeline
From the noblest tribe in this ignoble place
‘Twas the Patriots staring the Jerk in the face

“Let me aboard; I vow to take up your cause”
His offer intrigued them, but also gave pause
“No!” warned the elders, “he’ll tear our group to shreds”
But the visions of more rings clouded their heads

They were sure he was diff’rent; that he had changed
So assistance was offered and deals were arranged
The right things were said and the good deeds were done
And the Patriots prepared for all kinds of fun

While the Jerk basked in the glow of his new friends
He wondered to himself if he’d make amends
“If only they knew they were in for a tear
Those rings may lay ahead, but not while I’m here”