| By:
Patrick Irving
4/27/2007
Play-by-play announcers and color commentators are integral components of today’s baseball experience. Like it or not, they are just as much a part of the game as strikeouts and homeruns. So sometimes when our favorite sluggers pile up too many of the former and too few of the latter, we take out our frustrations on the microphone jockeys. But this is misplaced anger.
Yes, their tendencies to crack bad jokes, draw statistically unsound and inaccurate conclusions and, shove meaningless trivia and ad copy down our throats is annoying, but so what? Surely all professionals face similar occupational hazards – whether they are lawyers or bankers, or even doctors…
DOCTOR’S OFFICE, BIG LEAGUE CITY, USA – DAY
A small examining room inside a doctor’s office. Bill Wiley (age 30) fidgets uncomfortably on the white paper sheet laid out beneath him.
The door swings open and Dr. Guy Hairdo (age 45) bounds in. He is smiling and well groomed.
DR. HAIRDO: So, Mr. Wiley, what can I do for you today?
BILL: Oh, I’m just due for a checkup and my regular doctor is out of town. You were recommended by his office.
DR. HAIRDO: Wonderful. So is anything bothering you?
BILL: No, not really. Except, well…
DR. HAIRDO: What is it?
BILL: Well, it hurts when I do this.
Bill holds his arm up over his head.
DR. HAIRDO: Hmm. Well, don’t do that.
Bill forces a smile. He saw that one coming, too.
DR. HAIRDO: Just a little joke.
BILL: Yes it was.
DR. HAIRDO: Let me see here.
The Doctor takes the offending limb in his hands. He twists and turns it and furrows his brow.
DR. HAIRDO: Well. This is your arm.
BILL: Yeah. I know.
DR. HAIRDO: Hmm.
BILL: What?!
DR. HAIRDO: Well, I had a patient a few years back who came in with a pain like this.
BILL: And?
DR. HAIRDO: He died two weeks later.
BILL: You’ve got to be kidding me.
DR. HAIRDO: He was hit by a bus.
BILL: Oh.
DR. HAIRDO: Are there any buses in your neighborhood?
BILL: Well, yeah, but…
DR. HAIRDO: Ooh. I’d watch out if I were you.
BILL: But, what does that…?
DR. HAIRDO: Has anyone in your family ever been hit by a bus?
BILL: Um, no, but…
DR. HAIRDO: Streetcars? Taxis?
BILL: Look Doc…
DR. HAIRDO: Let me just check you out here.
He puts the stethoscope to Bill’s chest.
DR. HAIRDO: Hmm.
BILL: What now?
DR. HAIRDO: Well, it sounds normal.
BILL: That’s good, right?
DR. HAIRDO: Yes, but, according to your chart, it sounded good last year, too.
BILL: So.
DR. HAIRDO: So, either you should be happy because you’re on a healthy hot streak right now, or a little nervous because you’re due for a…slump.
BILL: What?! Are you seriously telling me this? You have got to be the wor…
DR. HAIRDO: Hold that thought. I need to check something. Say, do you know who invented the stethoscope?
BILL: What? No.
DR. HAIRDO: Think it over. I’ll give you the answer when I get back.
BILL: But, wait…
The Doctor exits.
BILL: Damn it!
Bill rubs his face in frustration. He checks his pulse. He’s not sure if he’s angry or nervous.
Light laughter emits from outside the examining room. It bubbles to a cacophony of cackles. Dr. Hairdo bounds in giggling.
DR. HAIRDO: Billy boy, you’ve got to see this. Come here.
Bill hops off the table and joins the Doctor at the door.
DR. HAIRDO: Look at that old fella in the waiting room. He’s trying to stay awake by reading that magazine, but he is plum tuckered out. Isn’t that the cutest darned thing you have ever seen?
BILL: That man looks very sick.
DR. HAIRDO: Yeah, he sure is precious.
The Doctor ushers Bill back to the examining table.
DR. HAIRDO: So, did you come up with an answer to my little trivia question?
BILL: No, to be honest with you, I’m a little upset about what you said about my…
DR. HAIRDO: René-Théophile-Hyacinthe Laennec invented the stethoscope in 1816. What do you think about that?
BILL: That’s great, but…
DR. HAIRDO: An interesting sidebar about Laennec. Along with inventing the stethoscope, he also made great contributions to medicine through his study of tuberculosis. Ironically, however, he actually died of TB. Isn’t that nuts?
BILL: So, is there another doctor here? I mean, do you have, like, a partner or something?
DR. HAIRDO: Of course. Jimbo!
Dr. Jimmy Exjock (age 65) pops in.
DR. EXJOCK: What’s up partner?
DR. HAIRDO: I’ve told Mr. Wiley here that I’m a little worried about his heart…and the chance that he’ll be hit by a bus.
DR. EXJOCK: Ooh. Tough break kid.
DR. HAIRDO: Yeah, well, he wants a second opinion.
DR. EXJOCK: Alright.
The Doctors can barely contain there excitement. Bill grits his teeth as Dr. Exjock says…
DR. EXJOCK: Alright, you’re ugly too!
The Doctors break into hysterics.
DR. HAIRDO: Sorry. Sorry about that.
DR. EXJOCK: There’s no stoppin’ it. Once you get us together…
BILL: Yeah, okay, but I’m a little freaked out over here. Is there really something wrong with me or…?
DR. EXJOCK: You know who used to love that “second opinion” bit was ol’ Doc Mickle.
DR. HAIRDO: Oh boy, did he.
DR. EXJOCK: I remember one time we were in Cleveland for a convention. It’s me, Mickle and Stinky Sims, the radiologist. Remember him?
DR. HAIRDO: Oh sure.
DR. EXJOCK: Well, Stinky’s the keynote speaker, but he’s had about 13 whiskey sours, so…
BILL: Doctors, please!
The Doctors are stunned silent.
BILL: Is there something wrong with me or not?
DR. EXJOCK: You mean besides the rudeness?
DR. HAIRDO: I’m sorry about him Jimmy.
DR. EXJOCK: That’s okay. I have to be on my way anyway. I’ve got a meeting with a drug rep from Pfizer. That’s Pfizer – Working for a Healthier World. Pfizer.
DR. HAIRDO: They’re a top flight outfit.
Bill breathes a sigh of frustration.
DR. EXJOCK: I best be off then.
DR. HAIRDO: Before you go, I want to wish your daughter Jen and her husband Larry a happy 8 month wedding anniversary.
DR. EXJOCK: Aw, thanks partner. That’s awful sweet of you.
BILL: Will you please stop all this nonsense? You are both so annoying! I just want some sound, fact-based analysis from courteous and competent professionals. Is that so much to ask?!
DR. HAIRDO: You’re fine.
BILL: Really? You’re sure?
DR. EXJOCK: Yeah. Healthy as a horse.
BILL: You guys are the best!
FADE OUT: |
