By: Patrick Irving
4/21/2008

Last week was an amazing time to be in New York. Pope Benedict XVI preached his uplifting message of hope all over town, inspiring feelings of optimism and compassion and forgiveness. Sort of…

STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE…

The Pope was euphoric after presiding over the Papal Mass at Yankee Stadium. The event, like the others of this historic visit, was very well received so he had every reason to be upbeat. But the grueling schedule had caught up with him and he was also exhausted – and famished.

One wouldn’t think the Pope could just stop off at some random restaurant on a whim. After all, it is unfortunate but true that there are some crazies out there who would like to do him harm. But the Pontiff was provided with two of New York’s Finest as part of his security detail: Officer Sean Patrick McMurphy-O’Neil and Sergeant Anthony Joseph DiRomanorizzo Jr. The Pope never felt safer.

He settled into the back booth of a posh uptown restaurant. As you know, the Pope is usually not a man of such extravagance but the euro is just so strong against the dollar right now that he simply could not pass up the amazing bargain.

But no sooner had he blessed the Chianti than a desperate-looking man rushed his table. Luckily, the Pope’s sentries dutifully intercepted the trespasser and introduced his face to the floor.

“No wait, you don’t understand,” pleaded the man. “I would never hurt him. I have come to beg his forgiveness.”

“You’ll be begging for more than that, you dirt bag,” countered Officer McMurphy-O’Neil.

“Boys please,” the Pope said in a kind but firm voice, “let him up.”

“But your Holiness…”

“It’s alright,” said the Pope, “this man means me no harm.”

The officers reluctantly released the man.

“Now tell me your sins,” said the Pope.

The man rose to his knees and offered his confession. He was a businessman – a crooked one. He lied and cheated his way to big paydays and when his scandalous behavior came to light he escaped with a hefty severance package.

Sergeant DiRomanorizzo nearly blew a gasket. “Let me teach him a lesson,” he growled.

The Pope smiled at his loyal bodyguard’s enthusiasm, even if it was a bit misguided.

“Are you sorry for your sins?” the Pope asked the man.

“Absolutely!”

“And you have renounced your evil ways?”

“Absolutely!”

“And you will return the money?”

“Absolu…wait, all of it?”

Officer McMurphy-O’Neil raised a fist in anger.

“Okay, okay, I’ll give it back,” said the man.

“Good,” the Pope said with a smile. “And then you must apologize to those you offended.”

“Directly?” asked the man. “I mean, I was going to write it…I mean…see, I have this book deal and…hey, can I keep that money?”

“Just say you’re sorry!” Sergeant DiRomanorizzo growled with the last bit of his patience.

“I am sorry,” said the man, “and I beg you for your forgiveness.”

“You are absolved in my eyes and in God’s eyes,” said the Pope.

With that, the man wept and hugged the Pope and ran off.

“So he’s forgiven? Just like that?”

“We all make mistakes my son. God wants us to learn from them. And he wants us to forgive each oth…”

But before he could finish, the Pope was interrupted by a second man charging the table. Again, his bodyguards instinctively subdued the intruder and prepared to give him a workout. But again, the man claimed to want only absolution, so the Pope implored the officers to withhold the beating.

This second man confessed a horrible life of drinking and carousing. For example, on one particular night, while driving drunk, he had plowed his Ferrari into a school bus of disabled orphans on their way to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. By the time his tale was finished, smoke billowed from the ears of DiRomanorizzo and McMurphy-O’Neil. But the man promised to check into rehab and, just like before, the Pope offered absolution.

“But, your Holiness,” objected the officers, “this just doesn’t feel right. How can you be a liar, a cheat, a drunk – even a killer! – and still be completely forgiven for all of your sins?”

“I know it’s very difficult sometimes,” the Pope replied, “but the Lord wants us to forgive – no matter what. We are all His children.”

The cops were astonished at the Pope’s divine capacity for love and compassion. As they shook their heads in awe, Isiah Thomas approached the table.

The Pope scowled at the man who turned the Knicks into losers and then barked at his bodyguards with impatience:

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

FADE OUT:

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