CENTER FOR MORAL OUTRAGE – MAIN OFFICE, SOMEWHERE, USA – DAY

Judge Glasshouse sits at his desk enduring the pleas of his excitable protégé, Reverend Stonethrow.

REV: Judge, please. We’ve got some serious work to do.

JUDGE: Reverend, I am exhausted from demanding justice for Anna Nicole’s baby. Let’s just rest a little. We can’t be everywhere at once. Whaddaya say we order a pizza?

REV: Have you even seen the news? We’ve got a civil rights crisis on our hands.

JUDGE: I wouldn’t go that far.

REV: Are you crazy?! Did you hear the things he said about those kids? You can’t shoot your mouth off like that.

JUDGE: He apologized didn’t he?

REV: That doesn’t change what happened.

JUDGE: Fine. So what he did was wrong. But whether we like it or not, this kind of thing happens all over America far too often.

REV: No! Not like this.

The Judge’s phone rings.

JUDGE: Ugh! The switchboard is still down so I’m getting all kinds of calls. Hold on a sec.

The Judge answers the phone.

JUDGE: Center for Moral Outrage. Uh-huh. Okay, let’s see…cheating in baseball…you want “Immorality in Sports.” One moment, I’ll transfer you.

REV: Like I was saying, who cares if this is just one incident. One is too many. We have a chance to make a statement. The country will take notice if we make an example of him.

JUDGE: Come on. I mean, I’m sure he has a loyal base, but he’s hardly a household name.

REV: You mean he wasn’t before. He is now. We’ve gotta strike while the iron’s hot.

JUDGE: Why?

REV: For justice. This jerk attacked a bunch of innocent student athletes. Their lives are ruined forever.

JUDGE: I don’t know about that.

REV: He’s got to pay. He must be fired.

JUDGE: How is that going to help those kids?

REV: It will show them they count for something. It will show them that we give a damn whether or not someone disrespects them with ugly, untrue and unfair labels. Or worse.

JUDGE: I think it was an honest mistake.

REV: You’ve got to be kidding me. He is a monster.

JUDGE: Correct me if I’m wrong…

The Judge’s phone rings again.

JUDGE: Ugh! Hang on.

He answers it.

JUDGE: Center for Moral Outrage. Okay, yes…cheating on a spouse…you want “Immorality in Politics.” One moment, I’ll transfer you.

The Judge takes care of the call and gets back to the Reverend.

JUDGE: Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you a guest of his before?

REV: That was a long time ago. And under different circumstances.

JUDGE: So you don’t think it’s at all hypocritical to...

REV: I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Who’s to say he won’t do this again? He should be fired. And maybe banned for life.

JUDGE: I don’t know. That’s a pretty stiff penalty for a lapse in judgment.

The Reverend is beside himself.

REV: Lapse in judgment? His actions are endemic to how we treat race and gender in this country. It is imperative that we make a statement. Otherwise, what good are we?

JUDGE: I don’t know. Sometimes I worry that, well, if we call for someone’s head every time there’s an incident that, while deplorable, is relatively minor…

REV: This is hardly minor!

The phone rings and the Judge grabs it.

JUDGE: What? Cheating on taxes? Yeah, you want “Accounting.” Hold please.

The Judge gets back to the Reverend.

JUDGE: I didn’t mean minor, but, well, let’s say it’s more a symptom of a problem than the problem itself. And the more we jump to make major examples of this stuff then, well, the more our voice could be diminished when something truly important is at stake.

REV: But Judge, like you’ve always said, “It’s important because we say it is important!”

The office intern, Buddy Pundit, walks in the room.

PUNDIT: Judge. Reverend. What is going on in here? We can hear you arguing all the way down the hall.

REV: The Judge doesn’t feel like doing our duty and telling everyone a certain someone should be canned.

PUNDIT: Well, you can relax because they just announced the good news. Don Imus was fired today.

REV: Imus? Who cares? Those radio jerks are a dime a dozen.

JUDGE: The Reverend wants to go after Mike Nifong.

PUNDIT: Oh. Well…uh…that could be awkw…uh…we have been quite busy lately…

Pundit plops down on a chair.

PUNDIT: Maybe we should get some food first and mull that over.

JUDGE: Now you’re talkin’.