COCKTAIL RECEPTION, AUGUSTA, GA – NIGHT

Jim Nantz basks in the afterglow of another wonderful Masters. Scores of golfers and other important people mill about the fancy post-tournament mixer.

Suddenly, Jim’s smile twists into a scowl as his college hoops broadcasting partner Billy Packer strides excitedly towards him.

BILLY: Jim! Hey Jim, how’s it going?

Jim looks around uncomfortably.

JIM: Oh, hi Billy. What, uh, what are you doing here?

BILLY: Well, the network didn’t need me for anything, so they thought it would be nice if I could spend some more time with you.

JIM: Yeah. I bet they did.

BILLY: This sure is some party. And what a tournament! You have to love Sunday at the Masters.

JIM: Jeez, you’ve got to be exhausted Billy. Why don’t I take you upstairs to lie down.

BILLY: Nonsense. I’m looking forward to meeting all your fancy golf friends.

Jim grits his teeth.

BILLY: Hey is that Billy Payne?

Jim is panicked.

JIM: No. Hey, let’s go see if he’s upstairs.

Too late. Billy Payne, Chairman of Augusta National Golf Club approaches.

PAYNE: Another great job again this year Jim.

JIM: Thank you Mr. Payne, it really is a…

BILLY: Mr. Payne, you really do put on a lovely and gay event.

PAYNE: Pardon?

JIM: Oh, don’t mind Billy. He’s just a little, uh, well, he’s a little tired out so…

BILLY: I am not. I’ve never felt fresher. Especially after witnessing what may be the gayest spectacle in all of sports today.

Jim rubs his face in frustration.

PAYNE: Yes, well, nice meeting you. Jim.

Payne nods curtly and storms off.

BILLY: He seemed like a nice fellow.

JIM: Why do you always do that?!

BILLY: What?

JIM: You just told the Chairman of Augusta National that the Masters is gay.

BILLY: Yes. As in “having or inducing live spirits.” He should be thrilled.

JIM: Yes, Billy, I know what you meant, but you’ve got to understand…

JOHNSON: Jim Nantz! How’s it going?

Jim turns to see the golfers Zach Johnson, Retief Goosen and Vaughn Taylor. Johnson is wearing his Green Jacket.

JIM (mumbling to himself): Oh crap.

BILLY: Zach, congratulations on the big win.

JOHNSON: Thanks. Here, help me celebrate.

He hands Billy an ornate cocktail.

JOHNSON: It’s a Georgia Peach – the house special.

BILLY: No thank you. That drink is a little too fruity for me, if you know what I’m saying.

Johnson sheepishly sets the drink aside as Billy confides in Jim.

BILLY: I can’t handle the sweets.

JIM: Yeah, I know that, but…

Someone across the room catches Billy’s attention.

BILLY: Hey, I know that guy. He’s a champion dog breeder.

Billy yells across the room to him.

BILLY: Hey, friend, how’s your latest bitch doing?

JIM: Billy!

The Golfers have to look at their shoes in embarrassment as the entire room stares at them.

BILLY: What? I’m referring to…

JIM: I know what you’re referring to, but everyone else doesn’t necessarily…

BILLY: And his dogs are the least impressive thing he’s got going for him.

He elbows Goosen and winks as he tells him...

BILLY: If you ever get the chance, ask his wife to give you a peek at her pu…

JIM: Billy!

BILLY: What?! She raises long-haired Persians. You know that.

GOOSEN: Hey, I really should be going.

BILLY: Retief, before you go, I need to ask you something.

JIM: Oh, no.

BILLY: On the 13th hole today, you teed off with an iron. Don’t you think that was a queer decision?

GOOSEN: Excuse me.

JIM: He just means “odd.” Let’s go get some food Billy.

Jim tries to grab Billy’s arm, but he shakes free.

BILLY: And that long putter of yours is quite queer too, isn’t it?

GOOSEN: I really have to get going.

BILLY: Why? Where do you have to be?

GOOSEN: I just, uh, I need to sneak off to have a cigarette.

BILLY: Oh, sure. Or as they might say in England, you want to slink off to puff a fag.

Jim smacks his own forehead.

GOOSEN: I wouldn’t know. Excuse me.

Goosen storms off. Zach Johnson and Vaughn Taylor stand there awkwardly as Jim rips into Billy.

JIM: What is the matter with you?

BILLY: What? Everything I said is legitimate.

JOHNSON: Jim, we, uh…

JIM: Just go. Please. It’s alright.

Zach Johnson and Vaughn Taylor hustle out of there.

BILLY: I don’t understand the problem.

JIM: Billy, you’ve got to realize that…

Tiger Woods approaches.

JIM: Oh, God no.

TIGER: Hey, Jim. Great job again this year.

JIM: Thanks, uh, you too Tiger. Hey, sorry I can’t really chat, I…

BILLY: Tiger Woods! Wow! What a thrill to meet you. Heck of a tournament.

JIM: Yup. Sure was. We gotta go.

Jim tries to drag Billy off.

TIGER: Well, I’m actually pretty disappointed in myself.

BILLY: I know, but don’t get down. Birdies were really hard to come by out there. That course was downright niggardly.

TIGER: Say what?

Jim pushes Billy away as he yells out in protest.

BILLY: It means “provided in meanly limited supply.” Look it up!

JIM: I am really sorry about that Tiger. He doesn’t mean to be…he’s just…he’s just stubborn.

TIGER: Yeah, he’s a real ass.