DALLAS COWBOYS FACILITIES, IRVING, TEXAS – DAY

The Dallas Cowboys are assembled on the practice field. The always dapper Donald Trump addresses them.

TRUMP: Good morning.

DALLAS COWBOYS: Good morning Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Welcome to Week 1 of your 18 week job interview. As you are aware, the Dallas Cowboys are traditionally one of the most revered and iconic franchises in the world. But this team hasn’t won a playoff game in over ten years. So now I’m here to find the best candidates to get the job done in time for the season opener. Today, you’re going to be completing a task for an amazing executive.

He turns to Jerry Jones.

TRUMP: Your name please.

JERRY: Um, Jerry Jones. I’m the Owner and General Manager of the Dallas Cowboys.

TRUMP: This guy is an amazing, amazing, talented and super executive. He really is.

JERRY: Thank you Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: There will be two teams competing today. Please step forward when I call your names. The first team: Roy Williams, Terry Glenn and Martin Gramatica.

They proudly walk up front.

TRUMP: The second team: Terrell Owens, Tony Romo and Head Coach Wade Phillips.

They stroll to the front smiling, laughing and slapping each other on the back.

TRUMP: The first very important thing you need to do is select your team names. You have ten seconds. Go.

The Teams excitedly huddle up.

JERRY: Wow, I sure am glad you could do this. I’m just so excited to…

Trump holds a hand up for Jerry to be quiet.

TRUMP: Alright, your time’s up. You, what’s your team name?

MARTIN GRAMATICA: Mr. Trump, we picked Team Super Bowlers, because we think…

TRUMP: Terrible. That stinks. It really does.

Trump points to T.O. and his Team.

T.O.: We’re going with Team T.O.

TRUMP: Really?

Romo and Phillips nod warily.

TRUMP: I love it. Alright, let’s find out what today’s task is.

JERRY: As you know, no team has won more Super Bowls than the Dallas Cowboys. And priority number one is restoring that pride and tradition. So, to determine who is best equipped to succeed in that, you will forage through trash bins, dumpsters or wherever necessary, to collect as many empty bottles and cans as possible.

The Players are unsure of the correlation between this task and winning football games.

JERRY: Whichever team nets the most refund dollars will be the winner.

TRUMP: Alright, pretty exciting stuff, huh? Hey, collecting cans and bottles is a huge, huge business.

The Players shrug at one another.

TRUMP: As always, my smoking hot daughter Ivanka will be my eyes and ears out there with you.

Ivanka acknowledges her name with a stern nod.

TRUMP: Good luck with your task. As you know, the winning team will get an amazing reward, and someone on the losing team will be fired. Now, go. Get out of here.

The Teams take off. Trump turns to Jerry with a smile.

TRUMP: It looks like we’ve got some really talented people here. I think this might turn out really tremendously well for you.

JERRY: Let’s hope so.

Trump turns to his daughter.

TRUMP: What do you think?

IVANKA: I think they’re all very impressive.

TRUMP: You know what I think? I think all these tremendous football players are very attracted to you.

Ivanka sheepishly shakes her head.

TRUMP: Am I right guys?

The remaining Dallas Cowboys hoot and holler catcalls at Ivanka.

TRUMP: See that sweetheart. All these big, sweaty, powerful men are dying to have sex with you. And that’s just great. I think it’s just wonderful. I really do. Okay, off you go.

Ivanka sashays off after the Teams.

TRUMP: Boy, she is one fine piece of tail, isn’t she?

JERRY: She certainly is.

TRUMP: I am really tremendously proud of myself for creating her. And do you know what else I’m proud of…?

This goes on for the next several hours. Then the Teams return from their task.

They stand before Trump, Jerry and Ivanka with giant garbage bags full of cans and bottles.

TRUMP: Hey, this is pretty impressive. It looks like both teams did a pretty nice job. T.O., do you think you won?

T.O.: Without a doubt, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: How about you Roy Williams?

ROY WILLIAMS: We got this one.

TRUMP: Well, we’ll see. Ivanka, how’d they do?

IVANKA: Well, Team T.O. did a pretty good job. Their strategy was for Tony Romo and Coach Wade Phillips to dodge traffic collecting crushed cans in the middle of the street, while T.O. stood on the sidewalk savoring the smell of his own farts.

TRUMP: Interesting. That’s very interesting. So, how many did they get?

IVANKA: Team T.O. collected 323 empties, for a total refund value of sixteen dollars and twenty-five cents.

TRUMP: That’s pretty good. That’s pretty good. Alright, what about Team Super Bowlers?

IVANKA: Their strategy was a little different. They went to a store around the corner, purchased 20 cases of beer and then proceeded to open all the cans and dump out the contents.

TRUMP: That’s smart thinking. That is really smart thinking.

They smile with pride.

IVANKA: They have 420 empties, for a total refund value of twenty-one dollars.

TRUMP: Wow! Wow, it wasn’t even close. Team T.O., you got slaughtered.

T.O. kicks at the ground in disgust.

TRUMP: Team Super Bowlers, you did a tremendous job. Your reward is a ride in my unbelievable helicopter over the amazing East Texas Oil Field. Congratulations. That is going to be a real treat.

The Players are not too thrilled.

TRUMP: It will be amazing and glamorous and tremendous. And it will give you a taste of maybe what you have to look forward to if you make it all the way to the end of this process.

ROY WILLIAMS: Man, I can buy my own helicopter.

The Team Super Bowlers trudge off.

TRUMP: Now. Team T.O., in a few minutes, someone will be fired.

ROMO: Mr. Trump, can I just say something?

TRUMP: Go ahead.

ROMO: Wade and I worked our butts off on this task and…

T.O. rolls his eyes.

TRUMP: T.O., you’re rolling your eyes. Why?

T.O.: They wouldn’t have even got half the cans they got without me. Cars were slowing down to take my picture.

TRUMP: Is that true?

ROMO: Yes, but…

TRUMP: Who came up with the collection idea, because I gotta say, it was pretty lame.

T.O.: It was my idea Mr. Trump, but Wade approved it.

TRUMP: Is that true?

WADE: Yes, but…

TRUMP: That was pretty stupid, don’t you think?

WADE: Well, maybe, but Tony also agreed…

ROMO: That is a complete lie.

TRUMP: Wow, Wade, he’s calling you a liar.

WADE: I am not a liar Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Then he must be.

WADE: I didn’t say that.

TRUMP: And look at T.O. over here. He’s not saying a word.

IVANKA: Smart.

T.O.: Hey, this is between y’all.

TRUMP: T.O., who should I fire? Is Wade a good leader?

T.O.: No, Mr. Trump.

WADE: I’ve been here less than two months! I wasn’t even with this team last season!

TRUMP: Tony, is Wade a good leader?

Romo glances over to T.O.

TRUMP: Don’t look at T.O. What do you think?

ROMO: Wade is…uh…I really like Wade as a person…

TRUMP: But he’s not a leader.

ROMO: Not on this task, sir. No.

TRUMP: I don’t know Wade. It’s not lookin’ too good.

WADE: Mr. Trump, I am a leader. I’ve taken teams to the playoffs.

TRUMP: But you went along with this nutball can collecting idea.

WADE: Yes.

TRUMP: Jerry, you’ve been quiet. What do you think I should do?

JERRY: To be honest with you, I’m really second guessing using this process at all.

TRUMP: Well, it’s too late for that. I own you now.

Ivanka laughs.

TRUMP: It’s true. She knows it is. That's why she's laughing.

ROMO: Mr. Trump, can I say just one more thing?

TRUMP: Tony, why would you open your mouth? Here I am about to fire Wade and you have to go and say something stupid. What? What is so important?

ROMO: I, uh…

TRUMP: You really are stupid, do you know that?

ROMO: Yes, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Just sit there and be quiet.

Romo is frozen in terror.

TRUMP: T.O., you came up with a bonehead idea that caused your team to lose. But Wade, you were the team leader and you approved it. Wade…

WADE: Don’t do it Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Wade, you’re fired.

DUM-dum. Da-da-da-da-DUM-dum.

TRUMP: Go. Get out of here.

They slowly walk off. T.O. gives Romo a pat on the back.

WADE: Thank you for the opportunity Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: You’ll do great things someday Wade. Don’t worry. You really will.

WADE: Goodbye Jerry.

Jerry is stunned silent.

TRUMP: Well, I really had no choice.

IVANKA: I agree.

TRUMP: I feel good about it.

JERRY: Wow. When did things get so out of hand?