AUGUSTA KITCHEN, OLD NEIGHBORHOOD, USA – DAY

A modest, but spotless kitchen, last redecorated in 1978. The wallpaper is floral and the chairs are vinyl.

Federica Augusta (age 88) and Annunziata Augusta (age 84) mix and roll pie crust with care. They are about three inches shorter than they were in high school and a bit hunched over, but each still has an iron grip and can wield an authoritative wooden spoon with great alacrity. Believe it.

FEDERICA: Sprinkle a little water on it.

ANNUNZIATA: I know that. You don’t think I know that?

FEDERICA: I know you do. I’m just reminding you.

ANNUNZIATA: Oh, Madonna mia. My big sister thinks I belong in the nut house.

FEDERICA: Oh, you’re crazy.

ANNUNZIATA: Ah-ha!

Annunziata basks in her vindicated paranoia as Liz (age 25) enters through the back door with grocery bags.

LIZ: Hello.

FEDERICA: Elisabetta! You’re finally here.

Liz sets the bags down and gives her great aunt a smile and a big hug.

LIZ: Hi, Aunt Federica. It’s so great to see you.

ANNUNZIATA: Don’t mind me. I’ll just be wasting away over here.

LIZ: Oh, come here Aunt Nunzia. You know I love you.

They embrace.

ANNUNZIATA: You’re too skinny. No wonder you don’t have a husband.

LIZ: It is so great to see you.

FEDERICA: It’s about time you came over to make ham pies with us. It’s an Augusta tradition since 1934. Our mother…

Federica and Annunziata make the sign of the cross.

FEDERICA: …made them in the old country with her mother…

They cross themselves again.

FEDERICA: …and when we were little girls we started making the best ham pies in the world right here in this kitchen.

ANNUNZIATA: And now you are a part of that tradition.

LIZ: I’m not much of a cook.

FEDERICA: Oh, don’t worry honey, we’ll tell you exactly what to do.

Chad (Age 25) enters through the back door. His ancestors first crossed the Atlantic on the Mayflower, not the Santa Maria.

CHAD: Hey, I found a great parking spot right around the corner.

ANNUNZIATA: Who are you?

LIZ: Aunt Nunzia, Aunt Federica, this is my boyfriend Chad.

CHAD: It’s a pleasure to meet you.

ANNUNZIATA: Chad? Oh, Madon.

Annunziata shakes her head in shame and kisses her Crucifix, as Federica rolls her eyes and moves past her to Chad.

FEDERICA: Hello young man.

CHAD: Liz has told me so much about you.

FEDERICA: Oh, how nice.

He rubs his hands together and smiles.

CHAD: So, what are we making?

ANNUNZIATA: Elisabetta, please tell your friend that he will need to wait for you outside.

LIZ: What?

ANNUNZIATA: This kitchen is no place for a man. You know that.

FEDERICA: Annunziata, please!

ANNUNZIATA: No! What would Mamma say?!

LIZ: But Aunt Nunzia, where will he go?

Annunziata hands Chad a tin watering can.

ANNUNZIATA: Here. Go tend to the garden. It’s a beautiful day outside.

LIZ: No, please Aunt Nunzia. See, this is why…

Chad winks at Liz.

CHAD: It’s okay. I don’t mind.

ANNUNZIATA: See. It’s not like he’s missing out on anything in here. It’s just the girls.

Liz mouths, “Thank you” to Chad as he heads out the back door.

FEDERICA: I’m sorry, honey, but, well, you know…

LIZ: Yeah. I know.

She forces a smile as Chad yells from outside.

CHAD’S VOICE: Hey, these flowers are plastic.

ANNUNZIATA: Of course they are!

She rolls her eyes at the young man’s ignorance.

ANNUNZIATA: And don’t disturb the birdbath!

CHAD’S VOICE: Is that a fake bird in there?

ANNUNZIATA: Where did you find this one?

LIZ: He happens to be very nice.

The phone rings. Federica answers it.

FEDERICA: Hello. Oh, hello Father James…

Federica exchanges smiles with Annunziata while continuing her phone conversation in the background. Annunziata explains the situation to Liz.

ANNUNZIATA: Father James over at the Church of the Benevolent Savior conveniently calls to check in on us every Holy Week.

Federica hangs up the phone and rejoins them.

FEDERICA: But, we know he’s just calling because he wants a ham pie of his own.

ANNUNZIATA: And we’re more than happy to give him one.

LIZ: Then what’s the problem?

FEDERICA: He had the nerve to suggest we may have overcooked it last year.

ANNUNZIATA: Overdone it. Us?!

FEDERICA: I hope he and everyone else at CBS don’t take us for granted.

ANNUNZIATA: Because I happen to like that new young priest at Ascension of the Blessed Christ.

FEDERICA: And plus, they serve free coffee at their Bingo.

The sisters smile at the thought.

LIZ: Maybe we should get started on those pies.

She reaches into a grocery bag and pulls out a package of cheese. Annunziata jumps back in horror.

FEDERICA: What’s the matter?

ANNUNZIATA: Is that?...Could it be?...It is! Reduced fat cheese!

Annunziata holds her arms up to the heavens.

ANNUNZIATA: Oh Mamma, I’m coming to meet you. This is it. I’m comin’ Mamma.

FEDERICA: Oh, would you relax for a minute?

LIZ: I’m sorry, I just thought, you know, what’s the difference?

ANNUNZIATA: What’s the difference? That stuff is garbage. Veleno. It is a disgrace to the Augusta kitchen.

LIZ: No. It’s better for you. It’s healthier. All those rich cheeses and eggs and ham don’t agree with everyone. Maybe if we use this, more people will be able to enjoy the pies.

ANNUNZIATA: Who cares about them? What about us?

FEDERICA: Maybe the girl has a point…

ANNUNZIATA: How could you? Look at Mamma.

They look to the black and white picture on the wall of the family’s matriarch. Beneath the photo it reads, “In loving memory of our mother, Roberta Jionzo Augusta.”

ANNUNZIATA: What would she say?

FEDERICA: Maybe she would want us to adjust with the times. You know, so more people can enjoy more of our delicious pies. That’s why she loved to make them.

ANNUNZIATA: Don’t tell me what she thought. You think she loved you more? She didn’t!

FEDERICA: What? If you only knew what you put her through…

A knock at the door. They look up to see Woody (Age 30).

WOODY: I hope I’m not interrupting. I’m here to fix the drain.

FEDERICA: Come in Woody. We’re just reminiscing.

Woody enters with his toolbox.

WOODY: Hey, you know, some skinny kid is out back tracking dirt on your freshly swept driveway.

ANNUNZIATA: I knew he was trouble.

LIZ: Aunt Nunzia, please.

WOODY: Yeah, Ms. Augusta, I was just kidding. He seems very…

ANNUNZIATA: Oh, who asked you? Get to work.

FEDERICA: Annunziata!

Woody just chuckles and proceeds to the sink.

LIZ: I think maybe I should just go.

ANNUNZIATA: No sweetheart, you just got here. We miss you so much.

Chad enters through the back door.

ANNUNZIATA: Hey, what did I tell you?!

Chad gestures to Woody.

CHAD: He’s allowed in here.

ANNUNZIATA: He’s working.

LIZ: I’m sorry, but I think we should…

ANNUNZIATA: No, my little angel, please stay here with us.

FEDERICA: Annunziata, let’s make just one pie with Elisabetta’s cheese.

ANNUNZIATA: But, Mamma.

FEDERICA: Just one. She wouldn’t mind.

ANNUNZIATA: Okay.

LIZ: Oh, thank you. That would mean so much to me. Can we use this, too?

Liz pulls out a turkey breast from the grocery bag.

ANNUNZIATA: Oh, Madonna mia.

Annunziata nearly faints. Federica catches her.

FEDERICA: What have you done? How could you?

LIZ: What?

ANNUNZIATA: Oh Mamma. Oh Mamma, I’m coming Mamma.

FEDERICA: Come on dear sister, let’s get you to bed.

Federica gives Liz the evil eye as she helps her ailing sister to the next room.

CHAD: No offense Liz, but your aunts are nuts.

LIZ: Oh, they’re just set in their ways. They mean well.

Woody emerges from under the sink and wipes his hands.

CHAD: How can you put up with them?

WOODY: Have you tasted that ham pie?

LIZ: It is pretty damn good.