AN INTERVIEW WITH APRIL FOOL

SCRIPTED SPORTS: This day must be crazy for you. Do you get hit especially hard with pranks?

APRIL FOOL: Believe it or not, no one ever tries to pull anything on me.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Get out of here! Not even crank phone calls?

APRIL FOOL: Oh, I don’t have a phone.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Really?

APRIL FOOL: I was sick and tired of all the telemarketing and survey calls. It was a constant barrage of, “Is your refrigerator running?” or “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” or “Have you seen Mike Hunt?” Telemarketers are the worst.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Yeah, uh…

APRIL FOOL: Although, I shouldn’t complain about anything. I’m so fortunate. Even without a phone, pizza deliveries just show up to my house on their own.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Hmm…

APRIL FOOL: I guess I’m such a good customer that they just stop by whenever they can. Although sometimes when I answer my door, no one is there.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: No one, huh?

APRIL FOOL: Well, I swear I hear giggling sometimes, but that can’t be.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Uh, is there ever a flaming bag of, uh…dog…uh…?

APRIL FOOL: Has that happened to you too?! Is that from global warming?

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Let’s move on. Your name is so unique. What is its origin?

APRIL FOOL: Well my mom always said I was named after my father, but I never met him. He was a secret spy for the government.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Ooh, boy…uh…

APRIL FOOL: Then he went out to the store one day when I was little and he accidentally drank some Coke while eating Pop Rocks and he died.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Yikes. I’m sorry to hear that. So other than that your childhood was…

APRIL FOOL: Pretty good. I had a dog – Lucky. Well, then he won a special dog contest and moved to a big farm in the country.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Uh-huh.

APRIL FOOL: I had my problems, though…(sniffle)…

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Oh no, what happened?

APRIL FOOL: My uncle…my most trusted uncle…he…he…stole my nose.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Oh for the love of…

APRIL FOOL: He did it over and over again. Thank goodness he put it back each time…but…I mean…I never had surgery or anything. You can’t tell can you?

SCRIPTED SPORTS: No.

APRIL FOOL: But, look, I don’t dwell on that kind of stuff. I’m a positive person. That’s why I’m a champion.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Oh nice. A champion in…?

APRIL FOOL: 52 Pick-Up.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Of course.

APRIL FOOL: I was always the best at it. In fact, it got to the point that when someone suggested we play, no one else even volunteered. They knew I would step up and collect those scattered cards faster than anyone else.

(At that moment, the check arrived at our table.)

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Say April, how ‘bout a coin flip to see who picks up the check? Heads I win; tails you lose.

APRIL FOOL: Yeah, right! Nice try.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Sorry.

APRIL FOOL: Heads you win; tails I lose!

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Deal.

(April flips the coin.)

APRIL FOOL: Damn!

SCRIPTED SPORTS: So April 1st isn’t much different than any other day for you?

APRIL FOOL: Not really. Except, well, you know, it means spring is here and so is Opening Day. There is no more encouraging or optimistic day on the calendar than Opening Day.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: Oh, you’re a baseball fan?

APRIL FOOL: I love the Cubs.

SCRIPTED SPORTS: So, do you believe this is the year they finally win it all?

APRIL FOOL: Come on, no one’s that gullible.