LUCKY LOU’S APARTMENT, ANYTOWN, USA ­ DAY

Lucky Lou holds the shot glass up tall. The bright light reflects all down the hall.

LUCKY LOU: Man, this is tedious. What I really need is…

A rainbow spectrum of light on the wall!

LUCKY LOU: Okay, I’ve completed the first stage.

He reads the chants from the ancient page…

LUCKY LOU: For good times in a quick and sublime ethnic shtick ­ Bring me the fun, lucky lads who don’t age.

Poof! Three tiny Leprechauns appear. They drink and dance on a big keg of beer. The leader is Penny; Clover’s kind as any; but ol’ Horseshoe’s not quite so sweet and dear.

PENNY:
We’re Leprechauns come from Limerick
To drink beer, rhyme, and dance ‘til we’re sick
But if you want frisky
Let us grab a whiskey
And we’ll wait while you go call you a chick

LUCKY LOU: No! I did not call you for drinking. You gotta be nuts. What’re you thinking? The tournament is on ­ my gamb’ling marathon. I need luck fast! My instincts are stinking.

HORSESHOE:
We’re Leprechauns come from Limerick
To teach a gamb’ling man a new trick
We say, “Wasting money,
Is no longer funny,
And you don’t know a parlay from your…”

LUCKY LOU: Alright! My goodness, take it easy. I didn’t know you guys were sleazy. If you have to work blue, the least you could do, is not insult but pick games that please me.

CLOVER:
There once was a gambler named Lou
Who had not a clue of what we do
He bullied us for picks
But we’re not playing tricks
To spin yarns we need charms under our shoe

Lou grabs the Sports Page from the table, brings it to them, and they enable.

LUCKY LOU: It’s on top of the keg, and under your leg, so let’s see if you’re truly capable.

PENNY: Ooh, I think I’ve got one…

There was a young All Star playing short
Who was prob’ly the best in the sport
When he moved to third base
His new team fell from grace
And won’t win until he’s shipped out of port

LUCKY LOU: Wait a minute, that’s not…

PENNY: Sing it!

ALL LEPRECHAUNS:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Stockholm, the women are sweeter
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you’re jealous of Jeter

LUCKY LOU: Hold on! What’s that garbage? I need picks.

CLOVER: We can’t help what comes through ­ it just clicks.

LUCKY LOU: And what’s with the singing?

PENNY: It aids our bull flinging.

HORSESHOE: Just the ol’ songs from the sea with remix. Ooh, I got one…

There once was an old hoopster named Tim
Who loathed dudes who shun Hers for a Him
Says he didn’t mean it
Then added with keen wit,
“We’re cool, but just stay away from my Gym”

ALL LEPRECHAUNS:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Newfoundland, the snow is yellow
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like your sweetheart’s a fellow

PENNY:
An athlete was lectured by a Fed
Who told him he would not be misled,
“So, if you’re gonna joke
About needles that poke
It best be followed by, ‘That’s what she said’”

ALL LEPRECHAUNS:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In…

LUCKY LOU: I must say guys, so far you have failed. Notre Dame’s in the field. Aren’t they pals?

PENNY: But we’d rather not hype ugly stereotypes.

LUCKY LOU: Yeah, I think that ship has already sailed.

CLOVER: Alrighty…

There once were some “fans of Ol’ South Bend”
Who love to drink, dance, and call you friend
But their fun has a price
So you better be nice
Or else a night in the ER you’ll spend

ALL LEPRECHAUNS:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Dublin, the hot dogs are cleaner
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like no curse soils your wiener

LUCKY LOU: Sweet information guys. That’s just great. Can’t you just focus and tell me straight, the team that will win or just give the Final Four? Or just a fraction of the Elite Eight?

PENNY: Ooh!

There was a young QB named Peyton
Whose fine year was capped with elation
His salary is swell
And endorsements pay well
But can’t top Sweet Sixteen celebrations

LUCKY LOU: Idiots.

ALL LEPRECHAUNS:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Cairo, the winters are iceless
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like your virtue’s not…”Priceless”

Lucky Lou can’t help one of his sighs. He shrugs and takes a beer from the guys.

HORSESHOE:
There once was a group of young Gators
Who gladly proved wrong all the haters
Piled Hogs on a gurney
Won their con’frence tourney
Now your sister begs them all to date her.

LUCKY LOU: Alright, that’s something. But what does it mean?

ALL LEPRECHAUNS:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Paris, the soldiers all re-treat
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you’re trying to re-peat

LUCKY LOU: Will they or won’t they? When will they lose?

He chugs his beer, and refills with more booze.

CLOVER:
There once was a whole team of Trojans
Who, while smart, weren’t quite theologians
But they played D with love
When they clung like a glove
And could stop all offensive explosions

ALL LEPRECHAUNS:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Sydney, the cheese is from-undra
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you’re double entendre

LUCKY LOU: You don’t know how to pick winners, do you?

PENNY: No sirree, I’m afraid that is true.

Lucky Lou can just laugh at his tremendous gaffe, and kick back with yet another cold brew.

HORSESHOE:
There once was an old coach from Lub-Buck
Who ordered his players not to chuck
When they’d heave up bad shots
He was li’ble to plotz
Until finally he said, “What the…”

…Lucky Lou jumps up to sing…

LUCKY LOU:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Bangkok, the sun goes down nightly
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you’re gripping too tightly

HORSESHOE: Hey, look here! He’s fine’ly having fun.

Lou toasts their pint glasses, one by one.

LUCKY LOU: You fellas have been great. Thankfully, I’m set straight. Listen to what your influence has done:

There was a young gambler named Lou
Who fine’ly figured out what to do
While betting is heaven
Today’s March One, Seven
So he will use all his cash to buy brew

PENNY: That’s the spirit!

EVERYONE:
(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Gotham, the nighttime is batty
So belt out another verse more than the other verse
And raise up a pint to St. Patty!