HAPPY ST. PATTY’S DAY FROM SCRIPTED SPORTS

There once was a pitcher from Texas
Whose shirt rips whenever he flexes
Critics claim he’s a skunk
And his fastballs have shrunk
To the point you can’t tell what his sex is


(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Iceland, the women don’t perspire
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like your trousers are on fire


There was a retired QB named Favre
Whose quitting drove obsessed fans to starve
‘Specially this one nut
Won’t say who he is, but
Each year a turducken he craves to carve


(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Santiago, the women are chilly
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you must gild the lily


A hurler named Schilling always chirps
And the spotlight he often usurps
But he doesn’t have class
Or know his head from ass
‘Cause when you pull that guy’s finger he burps


(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Cairo, the women love King Tut
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you can’t keep your mouth shut


There was a school nicknamed the Orange
Whose name rhymed with nothing but orange
Had a shot at the Dance
But ruined their chance
Now they’re stuck with their thumbs up their orange


(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Zurich, the girls are named Heidi
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you’re in the N-I-T


There once was a bold Yankee named Hank
Who bragged about his number one rank
But should he dare to lose
He’ll be singing the blues
As Daddy gives that spoiled ass a spank


(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Kabul, the women don’t show face
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you were born on third base


There was a Hoosier hooked on the phone
Lost his job and was out on his own
He had no calls waiting
Not ‘cause friends were hating
But since all of his minutes were blown

(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Greenland, the women are jealous
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like your courtship is too zealous


There was a coach of scant affection
Who fell one win short of perfection
But thanks to his whammy
Those old men in Miami
Needn’t take pills to get a…good night’s sleep


(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In London, the girls call cops bobby
So here comes another verse worse than the other verse
So clap like you need a new hobby


There was a governor from New York
Was kosher and ate crooks with a fork
Then he put his food down
And resigned with a frown
Because new appetites moved him to pork


(singing)
Laaaaah, Daaaaah, Dee-Daaaaah
In Gotham, the women are batty
So belt out another verse more than the other verse
And raise up a pint to St. Patty!