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| "Who’s On ‘Roids? Updating an American Classic for the 21st Century" | |
| By:
Patrick Irving
BIG LEAGUE OFFICE, BIG CITY, USA – DAY Mitch strides down the hallway as he chats on his cell
phone. MITCH: Oh, I’m so glad all this hard work is gonna finally pay off. No, believe me, the “Cream” and the “Clear” were nothing. You should see these new designer steroids. There’s one called “What.” I managed to get a sample of that. With this other one called “I Don’t Know,” I wasn’t as lucky, though. Unfortunately, that cheating slugger Jimmy Who shot up the last vial he had right when I got to him. Mitch chuckles into the phone. MITCH: Oh, yeah, he’s definitely a cheater. And his trainer Wycliffe Tate supplies it. No, no, Ted Armstrong might have been asleep at the wheel as a manager, but he has too much integrity to be complicit in something like that. I gotta go. My Pal is waiting for a full report. Mitch enters the wood paneled office of his Pal. PAL: Mitch, thank goodness you’re here. Some very important people are getting anxious, you know? MITCH: I know Pal, but don’t worry. I think you’ll be very pleased with my findings. PAL: I can’t wait to hear every detail. Let’s start with, who’s on ‘roids? MITCH: Wow, you’re right. PAL: I mean give me the fellow’s name. MITCH: Who. PAL: The player on ‘roids. MITCH: Who. PAL: The cheater. MITCH: Who. PAL: The man who… MITCH: Who is on ‘roids! PAL: I’m asking YOU who’s on ‘roids. MITCH: And that’s the man’s name. PAL: That’s who’s name? MITCH: Yes. PAL: Well go ahead and tell me. MITCH: That’s it. PAL: That’s who? MITCH: Yes. Pal bites the side of his fist in frustration. PAL: Look, you gotta cheater? MITCH: Certainly. PAL: Who’s using the ‘roids? MITCH: That’s right. PAL: When you compiled your report, who’s name was on it? MITCH: Every page of it. PAL: Alright, listen, I need you to tell me what’s the name of the cheater. Mitch produces a tiny glass vial from his pocket. MITCH: No. What is in here. Pal grabs the vial. PAL: You tell me what is in here. MITCH: I just did. PAL: Who did what? MITCH: Exactly. Who’s on ‘roids. PAL: That is what I need to know! MITCH: Alright, take it easy. PAL: What’s the guy’s name on ‘roids? MITCH: No, What is in here. PAL: I don’t know! MITCH: Sorry Pal, I couldn’t get that one. It’s all in his butt. PAL: Who’s butt? MITCH: Yes. PAL: This is crazy. MITCH: You brought it up. PAL: Okay, if I brought it up, then what is the name of the man who used it? MITCH: No. Who’s on ‘roids. PAL: What?! MITCH: What’s in here. PAL: I don’t know. MITCH: That’s in his butt. PAL: There we go, back in his butt again. He pauses in frustration. PAL: Alright, fine. Who shot the ‘roids in his butt? MITCH: Yes. PAL: Yes, what? MITCH: What about What? PAL: Who used what? MITCH: Right. Who is on ‘roids. PAL: I don’t know! MITCH and PAL: In his butt. Pal tries to gain his composure. PAL: Alright, let’s try something else. Do you know the person supplying it? MITCH: Wy. PAL: Well, I just thought I’d ask you. MITCH: Well, I just thought I’d tell you. PAL: Then tell me who is the supplier. MITCH: Who’s on ‘roids. PAL: I’m not…stay off that for now! I want to know what’s the name of the man supplying the juice. MITCH: No. What is the juice. PAL: I don’t know. MITCH and PAL: In his butt. PAL: These drug dealers need to be in jail. Give me the supplier’s name now! MITCH: Wy. PAL: Because! MITCH: Nah, B-Cuz just introduced them. Pal slams his fists on his desk. PAL: What about his manager? Does he know about it? MITCH: No. Too Moral. PAL: Not Tomorrow. I want an answer now. MITCH: I said, no, too moral. PAL: You’re really pushing it. What is his manager’s name? MITCH: No, What is right here. PAL: I don’t know! MITCH and PAL: In his butt. PAL: Please, just give me the manager’s name. MITCH: Ted A. PAL: Yes, today. Why is everything tomorrow with you? MITCH: It’s not really. Just to him. PAL: You’re supposed to be working for me. Tell me right now who’s the supplier. MITCH: Now listen. Who is not the supplier… PAL: I’ll break your arm, if you say who’s on ‘roids! I want to know, what’s the supplier’s name? MITCH: What is right here. PAL: I don’t know. Mitch attempts to answer, but… PAL: In his butt! Damn! He paces. PAL: Okay smart guy, I need some answers. Now listen. Who is the guy that was caught with what? And why is the supplier currently not under arrest? MITCH: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right. PAL: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! MITCH: All you have to do is go out and suspend the guilty party. PAL: Let’s say I do that. Now who is suspended? MITCH: Naturally. PAL: Who? MITCH: Naturally. PAL: Naturally? MITCH: Naturally. PAL: Okay, so I should go out and suspend someone named Naturally. MITCH: No, you suspend Who. PAL: Naturally. MITCH: That’s different. PAL: That’s what I said. MITCH: You’re not saying it… PAL: I go out and suspend Naturally. MITCH: You suspend Who. PAL: Naturally. MITCH: That’s it. PAL: That’s what I said! MITCH: Okay, you ask me. PAL: I go suspend who? MITCH: Naturally. PAL: Now you ask me. MITCH: You go suspend Who? PAL: Naturally. MITCH: That’s it. PAL: Same as you! Same as you! That’s what you said! I go out and suspend Who, but not Because, Today is Tomorrow, and the league is full of What. Why? I Don’t Know! That’s in his butt and I don’t give a damn! MITCH: Pardon? PAL: I said, I Don’t Give a Damn! MITCH: Oh, he’s on greenies.
Check out an online audio recording of Abbott and
Costello’s classic, “Who’s on First?” –you’ll
be glad you did.
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