CHOMPY: I don’t see what everyone’s so worked up about. We can’t take jobs away from people for things they haven’t even been convicted of. It’s unconstitutional. Plus, you know, it could cost us money. We need to remember it’s innocent until proven guilty.

Rosepoo (age 50) shakes his head at Chompy in self-righteous disgust.

ROSEPOO: How can you say such a thing?! Our players are behaving like absolute animals. They’re a disgrace, and should not be allowed to remain in the league. It’s unconscionable. Plus, you know, it could cost us money. We need mass suspensions.

CHOMPY: Are you nuts?! We should just do what we did in the old days and get all the beat writers ten dollar hookers to keep their mouths shut. Now that was a win-win.

ROSEPOO: You disgust me.

CHOMPY: Oh, please, like you don’t know the number to dial…

ROSEPOO: Well, I never in my life…

They continue to squabble as Slick (age 40) calmly stands and walks to the front of the table. The eyes of all the other owners are upon him. Eventually, Chompy and Rosepoo cease their bickering and turn their attention to Slick. His smile is unapologetically smug.

SLICK: Are you done?

ROSEPOO: Well, what do you have to say on the matter?

SLICK: You’re right. We can’t ignore this situation anymore.

ROSEPOO: Excellent! Let’s rid ourselves of these sinners.

SLICK: I’m not so sure that’s the way to go.

CHOMPY: Hot dog! I’ll call the hookers.

SLICK: Yeah, let’s hold off just a sec. on that one, too.

Chompy sulks like a little kid.

SLICK: Listen, this problem is not going away. Our players have more money than they’ve ever had. And they’re getting rich at a younger age than ever before. They’re bound to do some stupid things.

ROSEPOO: Stupid?! We’re talking about guns and assault and…

SLICK: Fine, criminal things. And none of it’s going to stay under the radar. There are more media outlets that you can count and every drunk dude with a cell phone is dying to become the next Zapruder.

ROSEPOO: That’s why we need tougher policies and stiffer penalties. The fans and sponsors demand them.

CHOMPY: Oh, the fans and sponsors demand that their teams play great football. And we need the best players available for that.

SLICK: I think you’re both right.

Slick nonchalantly flops a newspaper on the table.

SLICK: See that? Some state governments want DWI offenders and pedophiles to drive around with fluorescent license plates so everyone can easily identify them.

CHOMPY: Psh, I can spot a fiddler a mile away.

SLICK: Yes, well, that aside, don’t you see the opportunity here? Have you ever read Hawthorne?

Chompy smirks as he helps himself to another bourbon.

ROSEPOO: So, these thugs go out and break every rule in the book and we just make them get vanity plates? Check that – NEW vanity plates?

SLICK: No. Jerseys!

They’re interested.

SLICK: Can’t you see it? Let’s say a star defensive lineman gets busted with an arsenal of gats on Wednesday, but his team is playing its hated rival on Sunday. In the national game. What do you do?

CHOMPY: Ooh, that’s a tuffie.

SLICK: Not anymore

He pulls out a bright yellow jersey from a box.

SLICK: You just let him suit up in one of these and everyone’s happy.

ROSEPOO: Why is everyone happy?

SLICK: The best players are on the field – and not suing us for wrongful termination by the way – so the fans, networks and sponsors get the most entertaining game possible. But the offending player is ostracized and ridiculed so we can all enjoy the event with a clear conscience.

ROSEPOO: That’s pretty good.

CHOMPY: That’s a win-win.

Slick tosses jersey after jersey from the box. They are a variety of garish colors and patterns.

SLICK: No, that’s a win, win, win, win…

ROSEPOO: Now, what are those?

SLICK: We need a different jersey for every type of crime.

ROSEPOO: Why?

Slick looks at him like, “come on, are you kidding me?” Rosepoo smiles sheepishly as he finally catches on.

ROSEPOO: Merchandising.

CHOMPY: You’re a Favre Damn genius.

SLICK: I know. These are gonna blow throwbacks out of the water. Yellow for possession of an illegal weapon; pink for driving while intoxicated; blue polka dots for driving while naked – that’s a coaches’ sweater…

ROSEPOO: But who on earth would buy these?

SLICK: Everyone! Half will wear them to look cool for their friends and the other half will burn them to look fired up for the news cameras.

CHOMPY: Win-win.

SLICK: It doesn’t stop there. Think of the outlet we’ll provide for people’s outrage. We could have halftime shows where sickened fans throw tomatoes at the offending players. Or we could set up a dunk tank!

ROSEPOO: Well, as much as I like it, I’m not so sure the players will go for that one.

SLICK: Of course they will. Where do you think over half of every dollar we make on that stuff is going?

CHOMPY: Hot dog. Right back to them.

SLICK: And who knows? If the numbers are right, maybe we can raise the stakes?

ROSEPOO: How?

SLICK: You’re a running back charged with assault with a deadly weapon? Well, now the defense can use that very weapon to try to bring you down on Sunday.

CHOMPY: Ha! Suspected of arson? Guess what? You’re playing on fire next week.

SLICK: It will be the greatest spectacle on earth. It’ll be like pro wrestling on ster…It’ll be great.

Throughout this discussion, a Lackey has been furiously cranking away on his laptop. He is out of breath with excitement.

LACKEY: I’ve just been running the numbers on this stuff. We’ll have record earnings. In fact, do you realize that the more abhorrent the players’ behavior, the more money we can all make?

ROSEPOO: Interesting. Well, uh, how can we ramp it up?

SLICK: Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

CHOMPY: Now, that’s a win-win.