Today, that beaver addresses the media…

PRESS ROOM, NEW YORK, NY – DAY

A nattily attired Press Secretary addresses a room full of murmuring Reporters.

PRESS SECRETARY: Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll please settle down, we're ready to begin.

The Reporters quiet themselves.

PRESS SECRETARY: As you all know, last week biologists here in New York City confirmed reports that beavers have returned to the Big Apple for the first time in two hundred years. First, a lodge was discovered and then an actual beaver was spotted and videotaped swimming in the Bronx River. Now, after much cajoling, that very quadruped has agreed to address the media. Ladies and gentlemen: the Beaver.

The Beaver walks up some makeshift steps to the top of the podium.

BEAVER: Thanks Bob.

The Beaver pulls out some note cards and a tiny pair of glasses.

BEAVER: I have a brief statement. Then I'll take a few questions.

He organizes his notes as the flashbulbs pop.

BEAVER: Two hundred years is a long time, no matter who you are. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that it's not. And, yes, I'm not as young as I used to be. My coat is full and my teeth are long. But these teeth are also sharp, ladies and gentlemen. Sharp and ready for action. Beavers have been content in semiretirement Upstate for the past two centuries, but I believe we are ready to build on the grandest stage once again. I know we can still get the job done at the highest level. And so, let me get to what it is I have come here to say.

The Beaver removes his glasses and stares proudly into the sea of cameras.

BEAVER: I'm announcing the end of my retirement from New York City. I'm coming back full time, effective immediately. I'll take a few questions now.

The Reporters explode with raised hands, waving arms and shouting voices.

ALL REPORTERS: Beaver! Beaver! Over here!

The Beaver points to a Reporter.

BEAVER: Yes.

REPORTER 1: How did you arrive at this decision?

BEAVER: I was paddling down the Hudson one evening - it was a beautiful night. And, anyway, I was going to town on a slab of birch and not really paying much attention and then - Boom! The sky was flooded with light. I look up and there's the New York skyline. It was glowing and magnificent. Man.

The Beaver gets lost in thought.

BEAVER: Anyway, I just stared at those big, beautiful lights and I said to myself, Beaver, that's where you belong. Quit kidding yourself into thinking otherwise. And forget about everyone's warnings. Just get down there and get to work.

ALL REPORTERS: Beaver! Over here! Beaver!

BEAVER: Tom.

REPORTER 2: Aren't you worried that, well, you're a little old fashioned for today's New York?

BEAVER: Now, what is that supposed to mean?

REPORTER 2: I'm just saying, the Bronx isn't filled with forests anymore. It's steel and concrete.

BEAVER: Yes, it's true that I'm going to have to reinvent myself a little. What I once built with a freshly gnawed limb of pine, I may now have to construct with an empty beer bottle and a shopping cart wheel. Don't you worry, I've thought about that. Hey, look what happened to MJ's game when he finally had to develop that jumper.

REPORTER 2: But don't you think you're just of another era?

The Beaver loses his cool.

BEAVER: Another era?! Whose picture do you think is on the official seal and flag of New York City?

REPORTER 2: There's an official flag of New York City?

BEAVER: You're darn tootin' there is! And you know who's on it? Not some pigeon. Not some sewer rat. Me. I built this town Jack!

REPORTER 2: But, isn't...?

BEAVER: Next!

REPORTER 3: What does your family think of this decision?

BEAVER: They're supportive. One hundred percent. Look, this is what I do. It's in my blood. I can't change that. And they know they can't change it either.

REPORTER 4: Do you see yourself as the voice of all beavers and beaver related issues?

BEAVER: Do you mean, am I a role model? Come on guys, I just build dams.

REPORTER 5: What's your stance on Oregon State University? Do you find the school's mascot offensive?

BEAVER: Well, hmm, you know...wow, that's a good question. I guess I'll say, not really. I mean, yes, I hate stereotypes, but they seem to have their hearts in the right places.

REPORTER 5: Wow, that's surprising.

BEAVER: Yeah, maybe. I'll tell you what I don't care for, though. And you know who you are out there. If you're wearing Oregon State gear and you aren't an alumnus and you don't reside near the school, well, we know what you're up to. You're not rooting for the team, and you're not supporting me and my peeps. You're being naughty. And we resent the association with such low brow humor.

Some of the Reporters snicker.

BEAVER: I don't think it's one bit funny. And I think you'll find a group of my avian brethren in South Carolina who agree with me.

The snickers do not subside.

BEAVER: And apparently there's some hub-bub about Wichita State, but someone's going to have to explain that one to me.

The Reporters erupt into full blown laughter.

BEAVER: Okay, now I'm a joke to you? Well, fine. I guess we're through here.

REPORTER 1: No, no, wait. We're sorry. Please, okay, let's change the subject. Since you chose to relocate to the Bronx, you must be a Yankees fan, right?

BEAVER: Yeah, I root for the Yanks. But I watch out for the cubs, too – you know what I'm sayin'?!

The Beaver cracks himself up.

BEAVER: Yeah, they get a taste for us real quick.

REPORTER 4: Who's your favorite Yankee?

BEAVER: Bucky Dent.

REPORTER 1: What's your favorite TV show?

BEAVER: Leave it to Beaver.

REPORTER 1: Naturally.

REPORTER 2: How 'bout favorite actor?

BEAVER: Jean Claude Van-Damme.

Reporter 2 smirks at Reporter 1.

BEAVER: Ha! I'm just kidding. Even I can't take it that far. His movies are terrible.

REPORTER 2: Who is it then?

BEAVER: Steven Seagal.

Reporter 2 is speechless.

BEAVER: Look, I'm happy to sit here all day and chat about nonsense with you folks, but I've got work to do. I'm serious about this comeback.

REPORTER 5: Please! Please! Just one more question.

BEAVER: Fine.

REPORTER 5: Why were you away so long?

BEAVER: Well, there were a lot of reasons. Trappers. Predators. Pollution.

REPORTER 5: But, they're all still around. Except trappers, I guess.

BEAVER: Yes, times have changed, but believe it or not, even in this day and age, that's still a concern. Some people are just ignorant.

REPORTER 3: Then, with all those obstacles, why risk it? Why now? What's different?

BEAVER: It just got to the point where the sick feeling I had for not trying to do it, outweighed all those fears of failure.

REPORTER 1: That's it?

BEAVER: That's it.