A LETTER TO SAM ZELL FROM RAUL CASTRO

Hola Capitalist Pig,

It has come to my attention that lately your oppressive, profit-hungry monster of an organization has not pillaged the working class to your liking, so you now feel duty bound to sell off some of your ill-gotten assets. Under normal circumstances I would curse your name and spit at your feet for your exploitive ways, but as you may have heard we are undergoing a bit of a transition down here. So let’s talk turkey.

I would like to purchase your organización de béisbol. I realize you have been shopping around for separate franchise and stadium deals, but I am prepared to make you an amazing offer right now for the whole kit, caboodle and politburo. This is truly the greatest opportunity of your worthless, parasitic lifetime.

You see, when the People decided to pass the nation’s leadership from my benevolent older brother Fidel to me, I decided that it was time to move Cuba into the twenty-first century. No, I don’t mean free speech or open markets or anything evil like that. I mean I’d like to get my red Commie paws on some of that good old-fashioned American green. You know, like China.

And what better way to get knee deep in Benjamins than through our national pastime?! Move over Orlando and Livan, it’s time for the Castro brothers to make some of that Major League dough. Am I right?! Of course I am right. I am the new El Presidente. I am always right.

Because of this, I know it is the truth when I say your team is the one for me. Sure, those Marlins more conveniently located in Miami may be available soon, but, uh, well, I would like to attend a game or two without catching a rebel brick to the side of the head. I’m funny that way. Besides, the red, white and blue of your uniforms match our proud flag, and the name Cubs is only one letter removed from spelling Cuba. This will surely inspire a marketing bonanza! What is the word you pigs use for something like this? Oh yes: synergy. Viva la sinergia!

And just wait until you see what I do to the friendly confines of Campo de Castro. Yes, I too, have no fear of dropping the name Wrigley Field in exchange for something more advantageous to myself. It seems that despite the fact that you are a scum-sucking capitalist and I am a noble Communist, we do have one thing in common. We both understand that a captive audience forced to sit through 50 years of lackluster performance won’t walk out of the theater simply because the name on the marquee has changed.

That similarity aside, just the thought of your oppressive fingers holding the very letter I dictated sickens me. The sooner we can complete this transaction the better. And don’t give me any nonsense about the embargo your government has with my country either. Soon the new President Obama will fly down to Havana and put an end to all of that. And from what I gleaned from your Fox News, he will also give me and my comrade Hugo Chavez a relaxing foot rub. I cannot wait!

So it appears I have thought of everything. Please contact my office immediately to get the ball rolling. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sinceramente,


Raul Castro