HOW TO ROAST YOUR CO-WORKERS (WITHOUT LOSING YOUR JOB)

So, Bill from Accounting has logged 25 years of service with the company, and in lieu of a balloon bouquet or a platter of chicken fingers your office party patrol has decided to pat him on the back in style: with a good old-fashioned comedy roast.

First, kudos to your organization on a wise decision. Nothing promotes harmony in the workplace quite like the sanctioned, public ridicule of one another’s shortcomings. This should truly be a night to remember. But be certain to follow these important steps to ensure your roast is savored for the right reasons.



Step 1: Know Your Subject
Sure Bill is old, but how old is he? Is he so old his social security number is 1? Or is he merely so old that he knew the Burger King when he was still a prince? These distinctions are critical.

“First and foremost, the roast is about the guest of honor,” says Beatrice Hackley, a working comedian and roast consultant for the past twelve years. “A funny line or joke simply will not work if the audience does not recognize the context.”

Do not be afraid to approach the honoree’s closest friends and family for all the dirt they can shovel. If you cannot locate any such people, then you are really in business: Bill is so unpopular, his dog would rather be Michael Vick’s best friend.



Step 2: Write Your Jokes
Now that you know how to make Bill cry, you need to find a way to make him laugh.

“This is a roast, so edgy is good,” says the expert, “but just keep in mind that you are there to entertain, not offend. The more creative the joke, the more likely people will hear humor rather than mean-spiritedness, and, thus, the bigger the laugh.”

If you do not have the skill (or time) to write your own witty material, at least be smart enough to comb the hundreds of joke websites out there for proven winners. Otherwise people will think you are so stupid that it takes you two hours to watch 60 Minutes.



Step 3: Hone Your Material
Just because Bill did two tours in Nam, that does not mean you need to rattle off every STD one-liner this side of Saigon. Believe it or not, that could become tedious.

“Be selective,” advises Ms. Hackley. “A good comedian makes good choices. Force yourself to write many, many jokes, but more importantly, force yourself to rehearse them over and over, and select only the best for your performance.”

And save the one about the hooker and the seafood platter for your wedding night.



Step 4: Act like a Pro
You have written your jokes and practiced your lines, so now it is time to go out there and kill. Don’t blow it!

“Even if you are in a casual environment with people you know, you should still treat the situation with respect. Remember, you want people to laugh at the guest, not your ineptitude,” says the pro.

That means take it easy on the loud mouth soup. If you cannot get up there without liquid courage, then this gig is probably not for you.

Don’t fall for the showbiz mirage of the fun-loving drunk on stage. Remember, Dean Martin was actually drinking apple juice all that time and Artie Lange will probably be dead within the year.

Just like that old prick Bill. Hi-yo!



Step 5: Go out on a Laugh
If you have done this right, the audience will be howling, poor Bill will be mortified (but also howling) and that grouchy jerk Chester, who is offended by everything but inexplicably attended this roast anyway, will have bloody fingertips from all the furious text messaging to his HR representative.

As far as Chester goes, hey, what are ya gonna do? But everyone else got what they wanted, so do not give them an opportunity to grouse.

“If you’re at least four or five minutes in and you deliver a huge laugh, get the heck out of there,” says Ms. Hackley. “There is no better way to exit any stage.”

It sure beats the co-hosts escorting you off amidst a chorus of boos because instead of putting time and effort into this endeavor, you opted to chug a few cocktails and rely on the cheap shock value of screaming “F--- Jesus!” in a crowded public forum. But that goes without saying, right?