SCRIPTED SPORTS PREDICTIONS FOR 2008


Curt Schilling will lose millions in an ill-fated business venture
Long believing his feces to smell like roses, the All-Star hurler will bankroll an enterprise to distill and bottle it for sale at the cologne counters of Sam’s Clubs across the country. Not surprisingly, Schitt for Men, never catches on and Ol’ Bloody Sock is stuck with a warehouse full of his bodily essence. It will be the happiest time of his life.



Tiger Woods will sign a “friendship deal” with Lance Armstrong
Coming off last year’s successful series of commercials and play dates with tennis ace Roger Federer, the world’s greatest golfer will arrange to publicly befriend the legendary cyclist. The agreement will be sponsored by Nike and underwritten by Goldman, Sachs.



Hawaii will get routed in the Sugar Bowl
The Georgia defense will pummel the Warriors, especially quarterback Colt Brennan, whom they will sack eight times and hold to a meager 169 yards passing. As bad as the loss is for Coach June Jones and company, it is even worse for the college football fan because narrow-minded, greedy BCS proponents will use this game as yet another unacceptable excuse to avoid moving to an all-inclusive, practical and exciting 16-team playoff. You can count on this one coming true.



The Yankees will trade their 2000 World Championship for Johan Santana
The Bombers will get the ace they so desperately need (while keeping those valuable prospects) and the Twins get a long overdue championship banner in return. It’s a win-win. Unfortunately the Minnesota tax payers do not see it that way, and the club is denied funding for its new stadium.



John Madden will not be allowed within 500 feet of any NFL quarterback
After years of unchecked warning signs, the colorful commentator will finally cross the line and kiss Peyton Manning on the mouth, live on national television. Ever gracious, the All-Pro QB will laugh the moment off and call it “…priceless.” But it won’t matter. Led by Brett Favre and Tom Brady, the league’s signal callers file a court order to put an end to Madden’s unseemly behavior once and for all.



Bobby Petrino will take the head coaching position at Central High School
After his Arkansas Razorbacks start out 1-3 in the competitive SEC, the big cheese will step down to follow his lifelong dream of coaching a mid-size high school team. He will sneak out of town under the cover of darkness and explain himself to no one. His only goodbye will be a two word epitaph scrawled on a locker room mirror in red lipstick: Suck it.



Buffalo will move to Toronto
Desperate to keep their beloved Bills from leaving town, but short on capital, population, corporate support, tax base and prospects, city officials will make the one move that ensures they will not lose their football team: move the entire city of Buffalo north to Toronto. Ironically, the remaining rusted out husk in Western New York will be converted into North America’s largest casino and eventually be home to the New Orleans Saints, Seattle Supersonics, Minnesota Twins, Tampa Bay Lightning and the 2018 Winter Olympics.



Scientists will actually invent a pill that helps average people excel at their jobs
Spurred on by the challenges of clever sports writers, scientists develop a drug that provides a performance enhancing edge for any and all professions. However, contrary to popular assumption, only 3% of the workforce opts to try it. This has little to do with ethics and much to do with the fact that the average person does not value excelling at work nearly as much as he/she enjoys killing time playing solitaire and reading crap like this.



The NFL Network will broadcast the Academy Awards
In his shrewdest business move to date, Commissioner Roger Goodell will take advantage of Disney/ABC’s Writers Guild strike induced cash shortage and purchase its exclusive rights to “The Super Bowl for Women and Homosexuals.” Henpecked men across America will rejoice in the streets as their better halves insist on subscribing to Direct TV, the NFL Network and all the Direct Ticket / Red Carpet combo packages they can get their hands on.



Kevin Garnett will declare he is white
Already thrilled to have the Celtics join their town’s amazing sports renaissance, the citizens of Boston will ask the All-Pro forward to do them this one small favor so everything can be just perfect, if only for a short while.



The Twins will trade their 2000 World Championship (acquired via trade with NYY) to the Toronto Buffalobills for a first and third round draft pick.
While a cause for great celebration to the long-suffering fans of the Little Buffalo district of Toronto, this folly of acquiring NFL draft picks to play on a baseball team hastens the Twins bankruptcy and relocation from dismal Minnesota to the United States’ fastest growing and most exciting city: Old-Buffalo-Casino-and-Best-Back-and-Foot-Rub-in-Town, NY.